a mis match of thoughts

So even though I just did a "this is what I did this year" letter (I like that name better than holiday letter) I don't think I want to a remebering the year post just yet... oh it'll happen just not yet.

This weekend marks my 26th bitrthday. And my return to Santa Cruz. I haven't been there since April which is the longest I've been away since I moved there in the summer 2007. While my parents have lived in Lompoc since I was 9 Santa Cruz has been home. Its like coming back to a familiar hug. You know its always gonna be there maybe with a few new things but it'll always smeel the same and provide you what you're looking for. I miss living there. I miss my friends up there especially. I miss my church. I miss the trees and the ocean. I miss late night trips to the beach. Its one of thos things that I know if I moved back there it wouldn't be the same but it would pretty dang close. I can't wait to walk down Pacific Ave and sit in the Abbey again. To eat some of my favorite foods. To see people I love. Even though my life is slowly evolving out of Santa Cruz its always going to be the place I can go back to. Its always gonna be home.

May I admit something to you? I think it might be high time I did this due to it probably being healthy for me. I think I've developed feelings for someone. Yes its odd. And subbing at a high school doesn't help it much (I'm all into watching the interactions between high schoolers its pretty funny). I haven't been in a relationship in 4 years and I honestly Don't have much more
hope for this one going much beyond fb buddies... but that just might be my realist side coming out of the wood work. I should just let it ride right? I do know that is this does evolve that I have a couple of big decisions to make... and ones that won't be easy to do. All I am doing is praying to Jesus to help me make good choices. And I'm hoping that all my thoughts aren't about him! Gosh! Girl brains.
I have been missing Spain a lot lately. I want to go back, I need to go back. I miss soccer, I miss the beach, I miss the history, and I miss those dang triangols de maiz. I also miss that sketchy walk to Carrefore. Theres just a lot to miss. I just gotta go back this year and do the Camino de Santiago. Theres no other choice. My heart needs Spain.
I have a feeling that my heart is longing for the familiar that has gone unfamilar. I wonder what the cure is....

Someday I Shall Be Going…

There just sometimes when I need to get things out and that's when you, dear friends, get a blog post

I am sitting in a pizza shop in Victoria BC and I just finished my first slice of pizza in 3 months. I've had more freedom in the last 48 hours then I've had in a very long time. Freedom to do what my own beliefs dictate and just be able to do what I want. Which to be honest isn't anything much. I've eaten some food and gone to a museum and walked a ton. But these past few weeks I've had this serious want to just be somewhere… to be known and loved by my friends… to have a place where I can be free to be what God wants me to be. I can't help but acknowledge what I want to do. I wanna restart up my etsy shop and make more stuff for it. I'd love to pay more attention to it and have it really flourish. I wanna live nearer to Kate cus she just gets me. I wanna catch up to all my peers who have jobs and significant others. I want to be a better friend and write more letters. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't give up these past two crazy hard years for anything. All the people I've met, the places I've gone, things I've done … these past two years have defined me and reformed me and made me who I am. Two years ago I wouldn't have been here. I'm a better person for it.

My friend Meg recently sent an email out talking about Gods perfect timing. I do believe that God gives us what we need and sometimes what we want. I don't believe that there's just one perfect person or one perfect job fore out there but probably a couple of options that I need to seek out but those options won't present themselves or make themselves known until the time is right. So even thought I may think that the time is right you may just hear me whine for another 6 months about living with my parents and subbing or in 3 weeks I may have found a job and be moving to the east coast or Canada. I mean my life is crazy like that. The point is that all I need to do is seek and then I'll find. No my life ain't going the way I thought it would but it's going just fine… and I'll embrace the craziness until it ends.
I'm leaving Canada tomorrow and going to Seattle to see a friend then on Wednesday it's back to Cali for the next adventure to begin.

Old friends...

so I know I reall ought to wirte about my time in Hawaii or the end of my time in Spain because lets face it, those maybe much more exciting than what going on in my life. But to be honest Spain is still hard to think about. I didn't have a a bad expierence but every time I really think about it I just want to cry. I just miss it there and the community there. Its hard to be all alone in a town with no friends peeps. And Hawaii was fun and beautiful but I did mostly touristy things, went to Pearl Harbor, and went to the North Shore. You all know I love history and basicly it was a big history tour for me... if you wanna see my pictures from the trip theres some on facebook and more on flickr here http://tinyurl.com/3nepkun and basicly you've just seen my whole trip to Hawaii.
But this last week I've been subbing in my old school district. Its been interesting I've been called every day. I've had some interesting incidents and for the most part its been a good expierence. I honestly don't feel old enough to be doing this at times but I guess I actually am. For the most part I haven't been at schools I attended but today... I was at my old middle school subbing for a PE teacher. I honestly took the job because to me it was so ironic... I never enjoyed PE and well middle school was just not the best thing ever so I thought it would be funny to sub there. And it was I'm still sorta giggling about it. I just didn't really think about the possible encounters that might happen. The one that really hit me was a really unexpected one... not with an old teacher but one with the younger brother of an old best friend from well 4th grade onward.
I can't recall my meeting Robert in 4th grade but he was my closest guy friend until we reached high school and he started dating a girl who well my mom still refers to her as the crazy one... unfortunately my opinion of her still isn't much higher. The fact my mom, who can't even remember my friends names from MH can remember his is something to say. This is one of the people I still think about from time to time... Has God ever made your heart just ache for someone for no particular reason? This is one of the people that my heart has just randomly ached for once or twice... not for love peeps but just cus...I've always taken it as God wanting me to pray for him or something... I can't truly say that I miss him... because even I know that time changes people and I am a different person from my graduation 7 years ago. Who knows what our "friendship" would have been like now... Eis, a lecturer from school, say men and women can't be friends because one will always want more than the other. And I'll admit that when I was in high school I wanted to date him but that was after he started going with this girl... so it just might have been me missing his company. I can't say now. Our lives have taken differnt paths... Apparently he's married and in the army now.... Gosh I can't even think about me being married for 5 years at this time (he's been married that long). I wouldn't have been at UCSC or MH or Rio Vida... I wound't have gone to Washington or taken road trips to SF, or gone on crazy adventures with my friends... I wouldn't have had this year of craziness. And I don't think I'd want to not have the expierences I've had since I graduated high school. I'm okay with being single, its given me an oppertunity to do things I never could have with someone else and I don't think my relationship with God would have been as good and as strong as it is now. God is truly the mastermind of everything, including my life, and He knows what is best for us. I am supposed to be the person I am right now because God wants me to be this person. So all I could do when I saw this kid who I've known since well I think he's the youngest therefore since birth was to tell him that I said hello to his two older brothers (the second oldest was a friend of mine too) and leave it at that...

So today is Good Friday... the day that Jesus died for our sins because he loved us so much. And in 3 day He will have rose for us as well. To all a Happy Easter and may God keep you and constantly remind you of what He has done, does, and will do for you.

short but possibly sweet

hey all I know that I haven't posted in a very long time but I'm going to be posting again very soon. EVen the last post I posted... well I don't even think I finished my thought on that sucker (oh rio vida internet). I've had a few adventures since the last post that extended from Spain to Cali to... Hawaii? Yes I made my first trip to Honolulu since I last posted and believe me I have some great stories. But in all honesty I don't know how soon I'll be able to talk about Rio Vida, it still brings me tears whenever I reflect upon my time there. I can't even upload pictures without 'em. So I'm back in the LPC... waiting on life. Soon I'll post with some of my favorite stories and to update on life. Maybe tomorrow after I'm done doing book covers for a new book binding venture. I ought to start knitting some new hats for my etsy shop... and my mom said I ought to start selling my photography too.... gosh now I need to go and research some photoshop techniques.

and the seasons go round and round

The weather has come to my favorite time of the year.... it has cooled and the leaves are starting to fall. Autumn has returned and my time at MH is coming to an end.... yet again.
The end of summer has been interesting. Much more community within the departments and some of my strongest friends from this summer come from the most unlikely of sources and its really sad to see them go off into the real world. These past two weeks have been a lot of hanging out with my fellow interns which is always a homecoming of sorts. Its nice to be surrounded by people who just know you. And even though its good to fall into the click of interns I know I've had to spend time with my other friends.
I have 10 days left in the internship and 14 days left in Santa Cruz. This time I have plans... well sorta and I've finally come to the point if God wants me to come back to this place I will but I hope I get a break from working here for awhile. Lompoc might not be the best place for me to stay but for the next 4 months I've got to stick it out and just face the obstacles that come at me.... like finding a new church, and a job, and even making some ties to it other than my family. After these 4 months I really have no clue when I'll be back.... I might sound like a broken record but its just wierd to be in this time.... Nothing is permant right now. The only "for sure" thing right now is Spain and that is even frightening at times.
Sometime this summer, during a summer staff worhip, someone told us to remember this time in out lives. To write it down. The ancient Israelites made these stone altars to remember the works that God had done in thier lifes. To be visual reminders so that they could give praise to the Almighty. This person, I think it was a staff pastor, encouraged us to write down what we had seen this summer so that we could look back and give praise to God for what we have seen and done this summer. I have neglected to do that this summer but maybe before I pass my torch off.... maybe in the 4 days I have of nothing before I leave this town I have called home for the past 3 years I ought to start writing down the good and the bad I have seen in my times and give my thanks to the God who brought me out to other side a better and stronger person than I was at the begining. My life has not always been enjoyable but it has been good and I will continue to give God all the glory irregardless of where I go....

the choices you make

Life has been steady in the intern house for these past few months... something clicked in Janurary and we've been going pretty strong ever since. We've clicked as a family finally. Its moving steadily along at MH. Summer is fast approaching. As I was driving back with some friends from dinner I realized it was almost 7pm and the sun hadn't even set yet. Summer is so close but at least its 2 months away. I'm going to Seattle in May to see old friends and campers from this past summer. My life has changed so much since last June... Since last September. People have been commenting on how I've grown and changed. Its wierd to get these compliments but oddly refrenshing. I know I've changed and I'm glad I have. If I was still the same person that I was 3 years ago... I really don't want to think about it.
I thought of an ex boyfriend today.... He wasn't the last guy I date but some one I had dated in high school... He is actually the only guy I have ever dated that... in all honesty I would date again. God just suddenly placed him on my heart and I just think of.... how it was a honor to be blessed by him for the short while we dated and kept in contect. And he's also the only guy I don't refer to by name if I do talk about him to others. Thats just my way of respecting him... so that people don't get him confused with the last guy I dated. I honestly miss hs bf.... He was a good guy and I wish we would have stayed together, at least as friends. He's the reason why I didn't go to Sac State. I was dating another guy when I got that acceptance letter to the school and I thought if I went to school I didn't know what would happen with hs bf. I probably would have gone out with him if he would have asked me.Life would have been so different if i had gone to Sac State. I can't even fathom what my life would have been like. Probably no Mount Hermon, No Jewish community, no me as I am now. But probably hs bf.... he would probably been in my life some way.
I wonder why God puts people on your hearts during random times. Is it to pray for them? Are they thinking of you? Why do they just strike your heart and mkae you wish so much that they were just there with you? I miss him sometimes... specially when God puts him on my heart. I wish things would have been different.... I wish I had made different choices..... choices that would have kept him in my life longer.... Just to see what God would have done with him.

Now I know God works in mysterious ways... and if God deems fit... hs bf just might make a come back in my life. I know today I said a prayer for him... just to thank God for putting him in my life and to keep him safe and well. Whatever God does with me I will still praise Him. I will be thankful under all circumstances. I am honestly not looking for love in that way right now. If it happens, it happens but I'm not searching for it like I use to. My life is good just the way it is... living here in MH with my intern family. I'm finally glad God has placed me here.

slowly pass

It seems that just yesterday I was standing in this room taking another picture (just like this) and wishing so badly to get on with my life. Well It's be over two years since I took that picture and I'm at another school but this room still remains one of my most favorite places....

Time is passing so quickly and its not like I'm not realizing it... One of my prayers is to for God to help me realize how lucky I am to have this time... in this place. This is such a unique time of my life. And I'm not going to get it back. This won't be a repeat preformance. But I know I'll move on and life will be have its ups and downs just like now. I just hope the days will drag a little more and I'll be able to appreciate everything I have....

My time in college is ending. I don't know what I'll do with out it quite honestly. How does one adjust to the real world? I'll miss the studying and reading... the attendance at lectures and the small things that make school so great. But as I prepare to move on I wonder what I'll bring along with me to the real world.... what friends will stand the test of time, what quirks will I keep... and how will I change? I can see myself changing but how? I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life... I don't know if I'm ready to move on from college. I've only had 2 years!!! At a real university!!! I should have gone to school right after high school... no that would have been bad... really bad.

Well change will happen... For one I won't be working at the camp I usually work at this summer. I'm going North... to Washington State. I'm excited! It'll be interesting and hopefully I'll learn more about myself and what I want from life... Life after college is scary. It means bills to pay, a job to work, and countless unkown things. But millions upon millions of people have done it and survived. And I know I will too... I just want these next 6 weeks to pass slower than they have. I want to have long sunny days in the meadows... I want to be stressed out about finals just a tad bit longer... and I want all the sweet things that surround me to stay with me that much longer...

Well I have to go... I have homework to do.