a mis match of thoughts

So even though I just did a "this is what I did this year" letter (I like that name better than holiday letter) I don't think I want to a remebering the year post just yet... oh it'll happen just not yet.

This weekend marks my 26th bitrthday. And my return to Santa Cruz. I haven't been there since April which is the longest I've been away since I moved there in the summer 2007. While my parents have lived in Lompoc since I was 9 Santa Cruz has been home. Its like coming back to a familiar hug. You know its always gonna be there maybe with a few new things but it'll always smeel the same and provide you what you're looking for. I miss living there. I miss my friends up there especially. I miss my church. I miss the trees and the ocean. I miss late night trips to the beach. Its one of thos things that I know if I moved back there it wouldn't be the same but it would pretty dang close. I can't wait to walk down Pacific Ave and sit in the Abbey again. To eat some of my favorite foods. To see people I love. Even though my life is slowly evolving out of Santa Cruz its always going to be the place I can go back to. Its always gonna be home.

May I admit something to you? I think it might be high time I did this due to it probably being healthy for me. I think I've developed feelings for someone. Yes its odd. And subbing at a high school doesn't help it much (I'm all into watching the interactions between high schoolers its pretty funny). I haven't been in a relationship in 4 years and I honestly Don't have much more
hope for this one going much beyond fb buddies... but that just might be my realist side coming out of the wood work. I should just let it ride right? I do know that is this does evolve that I have a couple of big decisions to make... and ones that won't be easy to do. All I am doing is praying to Jesus to help me make good choices. And I'm hoping that all my thoughts aren't about him! Gosh! Girl brains.
I have been missing Spain a lot lately. I want to go back, I need to go back. I miss soccer, I miss the beach, I miss the history, and I miss those dang triangols de maiz. I also miss that sketchy walk to Carrefore. Theres just a lot to miss. I just gotta go back this year and do the Camino de Santiago. Theres no other choice. My heart needs Spain.
I have a feeling that my heart is longing for the familiar that has gone unfamilar. I wonder what the cure is....

oh the things we miss

Its been running rampent throughout my fb feed... the missing of Bible School. Oh man I really miss my friends from that place. It somewhat sucks when you're the only person in a state and everyone lives so far away... *ahem* CANADA. Its odd to think that this time last year I had no clue who these people were and now they are some of the best people in my life. I can't really fathom what my life would be if I hadn't met them. So it was no wonder that when I was asked where I wanted to be for my birthday it was spain and the people I wanted to be with they were definately in the top 5.

But this seperation from my friends, Bible School and those lovely other ones, even though it has been hard has been okay. I've been going to a new church, had very interesting subbing expierences (elementary school is always fun), and leaned on God way more than I ever had in my life. Just today when I knew I had to teach kindergarteners and then have to go home to my dog being put down I thought of James 1:2-4. Oh these trials that have been put in my way... and the seeking to find joy within them. Those kids were cute (yet always talking... apparently I got the hard class) and I know that my dog is in a better place (something that was brought up at bible school and I'm choosing to believe... it makes me feel better). Jesus is always there no matter the situation or how small it is. His love is what makes me get up in the morning.

The talk around this house lately has been my birthday... yup a big 26. Its on a friday and I just have not want to plan something to do. I told my mom that I want someone else to buy me yarn, go somewhere interesting, take pictures, and play some soccer... It sounds vaguely like what happened in Spain. I know I can't go back to that place in time but I'm hoping that sometime soon I'll be able to have some carefree time with my friends... so anyone wanna hang out the second weekend of December? I'm feeling the need for adventure.

short but possibly sweet

hey all I know that I haven't posted in a very long time but I'm going to be posting again very soon. EVen the last post I posted... well I don't even think I finished my thought on that sucker (oh rio vida internet). I've had a few adventures since the last post that extended from Spain to Cali to... Hawaii? Yes I made my first trip to Honolulu since I last posted and believe me I have some great stories. But in all honesty I don't know how soon I'll be able to talk about Rio Vida, it still brings me tears whenever I reflect upon my time there. I can't even upload pictures without 'em. So I'm back in the LPC... waiting on life. Soon I'll post with some of my favorite stories and to update on life. Maybe tomorrow after I'm done doing book covers for a new book binding venture. I ought to start knitting some new hats for my etsy shop... and my mom said I ought to start selling my photography too.... gosh now I need to go and research some photoshop techniques.

oh you know just some stuff

well all HI again. Sorry I haven´t been updating as often as I have said. I decided to be present and well it didn´t really translate well to updating my blog! I´ll try to be better at it from now on.

Well it we just came to week 4 at bible school. We´ve have had some amazing speakers including 2 of the sons of the founder of Torchbearers School, Major Ian Thoms. The sons are both from Capenwray Hall, the original school in England, and thier names are Marc and Andy. Both are great men with so much knowledge... My roommate Megan said it best when she commented "I was thinking that I´d love to marry a man like Andy but then I realized that I´d much rather BE andy". And its true the men who have taught us so far are amazing spiritual men who have let Jesus Christ work through them in amazing ways. I truly want to be like them. My faith and relationship with Christ is in a constant state of movement since I got here and I can´t wait to see how it all unfold when I actually leave and can see all your lovely faces again.

I´ve been playing a ton of soccer lately. I had forgotten how much I really love to play the game. I am not very good by all means but I´m getting better. One of the lecturers this week helped formed Sportreach and is a very good footballer (soccer) and has taught us some things. I actually know how to properly pass the ball! And I´ve even scored a goal. This week we are actually having a beach football tournament and I´m goalie for team Germany (no I didn´t schoose my team we were assigned). We haven´t wom a game but I´ve gotten some comments on how good of a defender I am.

Next week will mark the half way point of school and mid term break happens then. I´m going to Granada witha majority of my school. I´m excited to see a different part of Spain and the Alhambra. It´ll be nice to get away from school for awhile and rest! and come back ready to study hard for the last 5 weeks. I shoud also metion that we have been doing outreach in local churches by doing thier Sunday services. Evangelical churches are so small here in Spain. We went to the Salvation Army in Alicante and the students at my school (31 total) out numbered the people who came. Its so funny that we take for granted our church communities in the USA. We are just so blessed to be in a country that lets us practice the way we want to. My group hasn´t down a church service outside of school yet (we did the first one here at school) but its coming up the first week of March. We´re doing it at our directors church in Compello.

I also want to tell you that not everything is not daisys and lollipops here. There are some real struggles being here, specially financially and with the people who are attending. I can realize that I am not one to judge. I am so blessed to be here and have the finances to be here even if this are tight at times. Just pray that the subbing this gets kicked into high gear when I get home okay? I also was offered a job at the camp I worked at in 2009 as a unit leader (camp counselor). I´m not sure if I´m going to take it or not yet... I´m leaning towards yes though. It´ll be a learning expierence and I really do love that camp. Please pray for God to have His say in this situation. I already think I know what Hes saying but I´ve decided to give it another day or so before answering just to make sure my heart is in the right place by accepting this position. If I do get this job I have an 80% possibility of moving to the Pacific Northwest afterwards unless something else happens.... like maybe more bible school? Not sure yet but I´m praying about it too.

well kiddos I hope that this is enough info for you for now. I´ll try and update later this week or next week.... maybe from Granada?

out with the old and in with the new

Can I just say that New Years has almost always been anti climatic for me? I had sometime to just reflect on this past year and I have to say that wow this year has definately been well overall bad but its had its perks. I've made some great friends and had some good times but wow it had just been bad. I've realized that this new year coming up.... well its sorta freeing. I have one plan.... maybe something else but I'm not sure..... but other than that nothing. And its sorta cool. I'm looking forward to just seeing what happens this year. I'm hoping for grand adventures, staying close with old freinds, and maybe making some new ones.

So in 14 days I'll be in Spain... no honestly. I will be in Madrid for a 5 hour layover probably making a late night call to EmiB to wish her a happy birthday.... that reminds me I need to get a calling card. And to be honest it really hasn't hit me yet. The money wire finally went out on thursday I think and as far as I know I'm actually in... paid up etc. It'll be me and the canadians really really soon. If anyone thought my eh were bad after spending a summer on the islands well wait till I get back from Spain it'll be eh like every day all day. I'm hoping that the excitement hits sometime soon.

God is good and true. Even thought this past year has been crap He has shown what His love truly means. I've spent much more time this year being stressed out, pissed off, worried, and confused than any time in my life but God has always been the light in my life. I don't ever want to have a year like this in my life ever again but like I've said before its also been so good by showing me what true freinds are and how God is faithful. I'm hoping this next year is better but it might not be....

So heres to lessons learned, adventures had, love lived, and roads traveled. Heres to 2011 and the new things that come....

Longing for the familiar

Sometimes it just hits me this feeling of fear... fear of not knowing completely what I'm doing and the longing for something familiar... a place where I can just be and to enjoy my surroundings. I think I had that once.... free to be a person that no one had expectations of... to learn things without really knowing I'm learning.... to grow wildly..... and to experience love from unexpected sources. It hits me ever so often when I'm staring at a pink sky or see a fb message about summer. I never thought I'd still miss it after all this time.

So an update on life... I didn't get the job. Oh well. but I've gotten some bills taken care of by other people. I switched my medical plan and my parents and I are staring to share a storage unit so that'll help out with the cash flow. Over this past week I've been cleaning my room (I know I can hear some of you gasping) and sorting out my storage unit getting rid of stuff I've accumulated over the years. I have a lot of junk... junk I can very much live without. So I'm getting rid of a lot of stuff but holding on to some items I know others would want (Lori I got a UCSC sweatshirt with your name on it). I know I don't need much especially if I'm occupied with other distractions (living in a tipi can really help a person out with minimalism). I really don't need half the stuff I have and I really wish it would all disappear.

My birthday was this past Thursday. I have a love/hate relationship with my birthday not because of the getting older thing (I act like I'm 12... I don't see that changing anytime soon and I get get away with it still) but because the day never goes like I'd like it to. This time it was pleasant, but I still wish I had had some friends there with me to. Don't get me wrong my mom is great but it would be nice to see some other people every once in awhile. We went to the Santa Barbara Art Museum and saw their exhibits. They have some really neat water colors on exhibit and some lovely photographs of Yosemite. In their permanent exhibit they have some awesome oil paintings and 2 Monet's. I love that man... he's one of my favorite artists. Then down to the Habit for lunch and over San Marcos pass on the long way home. I was incredibly tired though so that was a downer but it was a good day. I got the travel pack I had wanted and a couple of other things for my trip.

Other than that life is progressing. Its a little over a month til I leave so I'm getting address from people and praying to God about stuff and trying not really to think about it too much. I just don't want to set high expectations and then it just be normal.... in all honesty I'm only setting expectations for the weather and hoping that'll come through... I love rain but I'm over it... need some sun, a warm breeze and well a nice beach would be good. I think I'll hit the jackpot when I get there.

The other day I realized just how much closer to Israel I'll be.... If my friends in Israel touch the Med Sea that water could very easily reach me in Spain. My thoughts tend to remember Israel and the Jews when I go through hard times. Its my comfort when things get rough. I just miss being apart of the Jewish community. I miss challah, and shabbat, and all those random holidays that we had. I just feel so out of the loop here. I miss being apart of community.... In this time at home I've realised that I've forgotten some of the dreams I use to have.... maybe for the better but I can't really deny them. I mean God made them my dreams for a reason. I know someday I'll be with my Friends who have made aliyah to Israel in Israel... probably just for a visit but maybe for longer. I don't know why God made this apart of my life but maybe someday I'll find out.

So thats it everyone... if you want to correspond with me while I am over sease youm outta send me your address so I can write it down before I leave. And please pray for this continued money situation... and also that God's will be done.

plane tickets, holidays, weddings, and road trips

Well people keep asking me about how everything is going for Spain so I'd figure I'd update my blog with information about it. I'll try to update weekly and tell you all how exciting Lompoc is and how things are going in preperations for Spain

So in about 2.5 months I'll be waking up at the crack of dawn so I can get on my flight to Spain (well actually New York and then Spain). It'll be about a 20 hour journey... I'll have a 5 hour layover when I actually get to Madrid so in theory that should be enough time to go through customs and then get to my flight to the coast. I hope I'll be functioning at 6am Spain time (which is 9 hours ahead of CA time). I'll finally get to Alicante at noonish and then I'll have a day and a half before classes start.
People have been asking if I'm excited yet... well I guess I'm more anxious mostly about the whole money thing. I thought I'd have a job or something before this to just keep me from worrying about this but I haven't... well I do do the scoreboard at the JV home football games. but lets be honext thats not much and I'd like to get more cash so I can actaully travel after this whole thing. But right now it looks like I just might go and then come back (granted my parents will pay for my plane ticket home). In all honesty I've used up most of my checking account and now my bills are being paid from the saving account that I set aside for this trip. I just need a job, I don't really want to go out and have to ask for money for something that I am doing to better myself. But in good news I have recieved my credential for subbing and I go to the orientation next wednesday and have my physical that day too. Then I'm just a TB test away (which believe me will get done on wednesday... I just can't schedule it till then).

In other words I'm going to LA this weekend to see my friends Kate and Sara... and possibly some other people like a camper from CNW and friends from MH. We are going to Olvera Street to see the altars for Dia de los Muertos which is my favorite holiday... I haven't been to Olvera street in ages and believe me its already hit me that I might not be going there for dia de los muertos for a very long time. Then in 2 weeks its back to Santa Cruz for Terra and Joshs wedding! woot! Then I'll need to hang up my traveling ways until January...

After all of that if you would please pray for

• a job/subbing jobs
• money for Spain
• safe travels

Thanks!

the predicament which is here and now

This picture was taken in one of my favorite places in Seattle. That was a crazy trip I took there about 6 weeks ago and at this park it was the most peace that I felt during thaqt whole trip. Its just nice to be in a place of peace.

This summer hasn't been peaceful at all.... and thats very sad for me. I feel like I am constantly doing this wrong. No one has ever told me otherwise. I'm tired of not being treated like a decent human being.... espeacially by other Christians. Its almost over though.... My mom pointed out to me that God seems to put me in these situations pretty often so maybe this summer is one of just learning to deal with it and to depend on God more. Which is hard on me but I know I can.

Spain is only 6 months away. And now its just hit that I'll have to actually get a job when I go back home. Which won't be too bad.... I'm gonna try get a seasonal job for a department store or maybe even the craft store. I think I could handle a craft store much more than a department store. I'm really hoping someone will hire me before I have to go to a fast food resturant. Specially since I would like to actually travel and be able to you know.... eat when I get there. And there is a possibility of Eastern Europe next summer.... I just need to get a jump start on that sucker.

I can't really get into the heartache thats happened this summer but I figure I'll be a stronger person come September. And I know that I cannot focus on the future and ignore the present. Right now I am seeking Gods voice for a decision that I would rather just not make... I'd rather just run away...

Second session at CNW starts in 7 days... apparently its time for me to cut off my turks head. It's been a year since its been burned on. Its sorta hard to let go of something that has been apart of you yet not noticable.... it should be an interesting time