Home Mount Hermon Home

I just found out tonight that a friend of mine will be working at Mount Hermon this summer. And as overjoyed that I am that he will be working in this awesome place it's keeping me up realizing how much the herm means to me and how much I miss it. The herm is home to me and that never changes. It's my constant in this crazy life. I know that there's a place where people still love me, where redwoods still grow tall, where summers are the best time of year, and people change and grow in the Lord. I miss that brief time in my life where my life focused soley on the herm. It was one of the hardest and most challenegeing times in my life and I wouldn't give it up for anything. The relationships that I've taken away from that are my best support... They are my family. My heart yearns for summers at Mount Hermon and I wish I was able to spend another summer working there. I'm pretty sure that's never going to happen again and all ill have are my sweet memories of this place. And now ill have someone to talk about them with that's closer to home.

Normal

Sometimes it hits me how not "normal" my life is. When I look at what my peers are doing or have and see me lacking the things they have (not really talking about possessions per say), I just feel stunted. Do you really know how it feels not to be in a relationship at my age? When a majority of people are married, or getting married, or at least are serious with another person? I'm not saying I need a relationship to function, I don't, but it would be nice to have someone. Its hard to be continually asked why I haven't found someone yet. Or the subject of friends... I miss them... a lot. There isn't a lot of people my age who are single around here. Most people are younger or attached. I miss having someone to have late night adventures with. High schoolers just don't cut it. I miss the maturity of my old friends, the closeness we had, the ability to feel comfortable with someone in the silence... not having to fill it with noise.

I've figured that because of all this, well that's why I travel. I'm searching for some semblance of normal for a little while. People to see me as a 27 year old. To be with people nearer to my own age. To be looked up to by others. To look up to others. To be able to have late night adventures, to have stories that people want to hear. To remember how my life was and what it might look like again

I know that my old normal is probably unattainable. Its never gonna be like that again. I'll always be well loved but the odd man out in a situation. No one will ever so what I wish they would do, think of me. And I know that people probably do think of me and miss me but they just don't show it in a way I can perceive  Words only go so far with me, I need a little action behind that statement please. And I know I'm cruddy at reaching out and telling people what I want or need. I'm getting better at it but often it just makes me feel like a burden to others...

This just hits me ever so often. How I wish everything was right and just how not right it is now. Most of the time I'm not bothered by it. I know God had/has a reason why He put me back in Lompoc for this time. Whether it was to work at Cabrillo or be with my mom in her last years or even to let me have the opportunities to leave and come back. Not to be tied down like some of my friends are... to be able to have the stories I have, to have been on this journey I'm on. Its so very hard to be me at times. But God is always here and when it does get hard like this.... He's there, He cares and loves me even when I feel like no one else does. I know this will past and I'll be fine again. And life is changing a lot these days... I honestly have no clue where I'll be a year from now. It could be here, or Europe or even Oklahoma but God will be there

Change

I know I don't write very often. Mainly because I don't remember to, but I guess I ought to get back in the swing of it because I'll beheading out to Europe again this summer and was encouraged to start a new blog for that particular adventure. So instead of creating a new one... I really can't think of a catchy name right now... I'm reflecting on how life has been like this past year.

Back in 2011 when I left for Spain I didn't really realize that my life would be in a constant state of change. I think back to my life before 2011 and realize that change wasn't my strong point. It still isn't but I've gotten better at it. And it looks like change isn't gonna stop coming for a very long time.

Change is necessary and even though I resist it I'm also looking for it. Following God requires us to change. To become more Christ like, to leave the familiar behind in order to serve, to change old habits. Change is a good one. Its grand to have our memories but thats what they are... memories. They live in our past and most of the time, we can never relive them. I'm going back to Spain this summer, not to relive my past time there but to make new memories. And as hard as it was the first time... it will be harder this time. My mom, who has always been my rock when I've traveled, passed away earlier this month. This is a new type of navigation that I haven't had to do before, a change that I'm going to have to deal with from now on.

so Change, my old friend, here we go again... off on some new adventure, to places unknown. Bring it.

Who cares?

Today I was struck by the thought of caring. I was subbing for some plain rude classes. Everything I asked them to do they made it a chore. I asked them to be kind... no way. I came to a point where I dcided just not to care. If they got done cool if they didn't no skin off my nose I still got paid. But then it struck me that being a Christian is all about caring and caring for those who don't care, who hurt you, and those who just want you to drop off the face of the Earth. That is what we are asked to do. To love until we cannot do it any more than turn to Christ and have Him love through us. We love even when its hard... to be truly a Christian is to allow yourself to be hurt by others.

I cannot say that I was successful in caring the rest of the afternnon but my expierence gave me something to chew on for the rest of the day. To be honest I have been struggling with growing deeper with my relationship with Christ. Thre is no one to push me in my walk or challenge my thought process. I dread growing stagnant and I am longing for something to make me think. But I am unsure of where to start or what to study or how to go about it becuase I know I probably should have someone to hold me accountable to it.

But right now I have a challenge... and that is not to let myself stop caring.To allow myself to be hurt and handle it with grace. Trials with pure joy creates steadfastness which when it comes to be fully effect you are truly complete and lack nothing. James 12-4

amazing

well I am back from Poland and it was an amazing time there. I am just amazed at the ways God worked in us this past week... we had 30 people come to Christ during camp and when your camp is about 100 people with a little less than half being the leadership team that is an amazing number. The missionaries with us said this was one of the biggest numbers they had ever heard of. And to really think about it it just boggles my mind. What does God have in store for us? For the people who accepted Christ this week? What great things will come next? I saw so many small miracles this past week and felt the Holy Spirit move in great ways that I am still amazed with what has happened. If anything else this trip has shown me and made even more important to share Jesus with everyone, to be more bold with my faith, and to fully trust in Gods plan for our lives. Only with God does great things happen.

I just got home today so it still seems so freash yet so far away. I really miss Poland and being here at home makes me want to be back there way too much. And things at home are not always the best. I realized that talking about myself is hard for me to do... I don't oftn really tell people how I'm feeling, and today I finally admitted to a friend that I just wanted something to go away it was like a small crack in the wall formed. I'm still thinking through my trip and I should really take some time to really sit down and write out my story about it... and tell everything I really went through not just the outside emotions of it all. I want to go back to Poland. I don't think that California will have a hold on me much longer. I'm trying to figure out the next step in my life and I'm waiting for Gods plan to show itself.

You know God answers prayers in funny ways sometimes. Whats so funny about it... well I'm not sur if even I kow the full of it yet. You and I will just have to be pateint.

What I'm Working On...

Object: To allow high school students to gain a more intimate knowledge of incidents or genocide or persecution on a more personal level by allowing them to experience sites and museums that document the incidents first hand, exposing them to experts and survivors, and allowing them to research aspects of genocide or persecution that interest them. In culmination of their learning the participants would be expected to organize and event which allowed them to share what they had experienced over the last year.

this is whats going through my head right now... that and the aspect of knitting a 100+ tiny slugs before July 9th

Crashing Waves

Sometimes emotions hit so hard. They drown you in this never ending wave... or at least it seems that way. You can't get a brake and you're constantly trying to get up to the surface but you just can't.

Some thing has been frustrating me lately... and its people. It seems that the people in my area are incredibly self centered. They focus on themselves or what they need and don't really try to see whatsbeyond them. Thy don't want to give apart of themselves. They forget what others are saying or don't deem it important enough to care about it. And even though I know I am guilty of it too I am seeing it more prevolant now. It just so sad. I'm not sure how to get poeple to care... if its something that they need to see and want to do. Teens in lompoc want to get out of here so badly yet they are so self centered that they can only focus on Lompoc.

Iam so tired of giving and not really getting anything for myself. I just want someone to pop out of the blue and say "Rachel! I love you and lets go and do something sooo fun I know you'll love it! I want to be with you for awhile!" This Poland trip is really draining me. I don't think I can keep this up much longer and not get anything in return. Plus right now I am unfortunately in a really low emotional state which doesn't really help.

In the book of James, James writes about how our trials will eventually lead us to be perfect and complete. While that can be comforting its often hard to focus on that in this storm. I just need to focus on Jesus and let Him be the beacon in this storm, but I still need some sort of uplifting sooner rather than later.