Home Mount Hermon Home

I just found out tonight that a friend of mine will be working at Mount Hermon this summer. And as overjoyed that I am that he will be working in this awesome place it's keeping me up realizing how much the herm means to me and how much I miss it. The herm is home to me and that never changes. It's my constant in this crazy life. I know that there's a place where people still love me, where redwoods still grow tall, where summers are the best time of year, and people change and grow in the Lord. I miss that brief time in my life where my life focused soley on the herm. It was one of the hardest and most challenegeing times in my life and I wouldn't give it up for anything. The relationships that I've taken away from that are my best support... They are my family. My heart yearns for summers at Mount Hermon and I wish I was able to spend another summer working there. I'm pretty sure that's never going to happen again and all ill have are my sweet memories of this place. And now ill have someone to talk about them with that's closer to home.

Normal

Sometimes it hits me how not "normal" my life is. When I look at what my peers are doing or have and see me lacking the things they have (not really talking about possessions per say), I just feel stunted. Do you really know how it feels not to be in a relationship at my age? When a majority of people are married, or getting married, or at least are serious with another person? I'm not saying I need a relationship to function, I don't, but it would be nice to have someone. Its hard to be continually asked why I haven't found someone yet. Or the subject of friends... I miss them... a lot. There isn't a lot of people my age who are single around here. Most people are younger or attached. I miss having someone to have late night adventures with. High schoolers just don't cut it. I miss the maturity of my old friends, the closeness we had, the ability to feel comfortable with someone in the silence... not having to fill it with noise.

I've figured that because of all this, well that's why I travel. I'm searching for some semblance of normal for a little while. People to see me as a 27 year old. To be with people nearer to my own age. To be looked up to by others. To look up to others. To be able to have late night adventures, to have stories that people want to hear. To remember how my life was and what it might look like again

I know that my old normal is probably unattainable. Its never gonna be like that again. I'll always be well loved but the odd man out in a situation. No one will ever so what I wish they would do, think of me. And I know that people probably do think of me and miss me but they just don't show it in a way I can perceive  Words only go so far with me, I need a little action behind that statement please. And I know I'm cruddy at reaching out and telling people what I want or need. I'm getting better at it but often it just makes me feel like a burden to others...

This just hits me ever so often. How I wish everything was right and just how not right it is now. Most of the time I'm not bothered by it. I know God had/has a reason why He put me back in Lompoc for this time. Whether it was to work at Cabrillo or be with my mom in her last years or even to let me have the opportunities to leave and come back. Not to be tied down like some of my friends are... to be able to have the stories I have, to have been on this journey I'm on. Its so very hard to be me at times. But God is always here and when it does get hard like this.... He's there, He cares and loves me even when I feel like no one else does. I know this will past and I'll be fine again. And life is changing a lot these days... I honestly have no clue where I'll be a year from now. It could be here, or Europe or even Oklahoma but God will be there

Change

I know I don't write very often. Mainly because I don't remember to, but I guess I ought to get back in the swing of it because I'll beheading out to Europe again this summer and was encouraged to start a new blog for that particular adventure. So instead of creating a new one... I really can't think of a catchy name right now... I'm reflecting on how life has been like this past year.

Back in 2011 when I left for Spain I didn't really realize that my life would be in a constant state of change. I think back to my life before 2011 and realize that change wasn't my strong point. It still isn't but I've gotten better at it. And it looks like change isn't gonna stop coming for a very long time.

Change is necessary and even though I resist it I'm also looking for it. Following God requires us to change. To become more Christ like, to leave the familiar behind in order to serve, to change old habits. Change is a good one. Its grand to have our memories but thats what they are... memories. They live in our past and most of the time, we can never relive them. I'm going back to Spain this summer, not to relive my past time there but to make new memories. And as hard as it was the first time... it will be harder this time. My mom, who has always been my rock when I've traveled, passed away earlier this month. This is a new type of navigation that I haven't had to do before, a change that I'm going to have to deal with from now on.

so Change, my old friend, here we go again... off on some new adventure, to places unknown. Bring it.