Normal

Sometimes it hits me how not "normal" my life is. When I look at what my peers are doing or have and see me lacking the things they have (not really talking about possessions per say), I just feel stunted. Do you really know how it feels not to be in a relationship at my age? When a majority of people are married, or getting married, or at least are serious with another person? I'm not saying I need a relationship to function, I don't, but it would be nice to have someone. Its hard to be continually asked why I haven't found someone yet. Or the subject of friends... I miss them... a lot. There isn't a lot of people my age who are single around here. Most people are younger or attached. I miss having someone to have late night adventures with. High schoolers just don't cut it. I miss the maturity of my old friends, the closeness we had, the ability to feel comfortable with someone in the silence... not having to fill it with noise.

I've figured that because of all this, well that's why I travel. I'm searching for some semblance of normal for a little while. People to see me as a 27 year old. To be with people nearer to my own age. To be looked up to by others. To look up to others. To be able to have late night adventures, to have stories that people want to hear. To remember how my life was and what it might look like again

I know that my old normal is probably unattainable. Its never gonna be like that again. I'll always be well loved but the odd man out in a situation. No one will ever so what I wish they would do, think of me. And I know that people probably do think of me and miss me but they just don't show it in a way I can perceive  Words only go so far with me, I need a little action behind that statement please. And I know I'm cruddy at reaching out and telling people what I want or need. I'm getting better at it but often it just makes me feel like a burden to others...

This just hits me ever so often. How I wish everything was right and just how not right it is now. Most of the time I'm not bothered by it. I know God had/has a reason why He put me back in Lompoc for this time. Whether it was to work at Cabrillo or be with my mom in her last years or even to let me have the opportunities to leave and come back. Not to be tied down like some of my friends are... to be able to have the stories I have, to have been on this journey I'm on. Its so very hard to be me at times. But God is always here and when it does get hard like this.... He's there, He cares and loves me even when I feel like no one else does. I know this will past and I'll be fine again. And life is changing a lot these days... I honestly have no clue where I'll be a year from now. It could be here, or Europe or even Oklahoma but God will be there