Sometimes I struggle with what to share with others. As you can tell, it's been over a year since I've written in this blog (I have another one based on my missions work). But lately I've been struggling with this deep loneliness. My father moved back to OK almost 6 months ago and while he wasn't much company he was some. I miss my mom most of all, someone to speak to and share things with. I struggle with who I can share these things with now... someone who will just listen and not judge or give advice (sometimes). Someone I don't feel like I am burdening things with. My life is like the ocean... there are periods of calm and sometimes where the waves are overwhelming me and I'm just struggling in the surf but no one really notices it. I don't cry out for help very often (and this isn't one right now). If anything I've learned in these past few years is that I do need to cry out at times and I have become better about it. I need to show my emotional side to people, people need to see who I truly am. And I am thankful that God has blessed me with people who have become people whom I can trust. But there are still times I worry that maybe I'm getting too much for them...
Everyone's lives seem to be proceeding regularly and I'm still sorta stalled in one place. I'm waiting to see what God has in all of this. My facebook feed is baby central honestly. At least 10 people I know are expecting. Interpret that as you may but for me it just hits how I don't have someone I come home to anymore, no one to share the story of my day. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or to pity me. That doesn't really get anyone anywhere. And I don't feel like I can text my friends cus I don't want to intrude into their lives every day. Maybe I shouldn't feel like this, maybe I'm being silly. Maybe this is something I ought to overcome. I don't know. But I do know something... I can start by sharing this with a friend and see where it goes from there. Maybe something will happen tomorrow and my life will radically change for the better. Don't get me wrong there are some lovely things going on in my life right now, things I'm excited for, nervous for, dreading. That's life for you.... his entry is just about the thing I'm struggling with at this moment. The thing that accompanies all the joy that life can bring.
A little thought keeps nagging at me too. I think about my life 2 years ago. It was slightly a blur this week 2 years ago but I think it was one I was in the ICU with my mom or maybe one where she was at home and still slightly coherent, before the morphine fully kicked in. Its odd to think that she has been gone for almost two years. How much my life has changed in that time. How much of a different person I have become. I don't know if I would want to go back to the person I use to be... sometimes I miss her but more often I don't. Maybe I've become a better person through this, I hope so. I don't know when this loneliness will ever end, hopefully in the near future but maybe not. I can hope that tomorrow will bring that radical change that will make my life better. And if it does come or if life just continues on I'll just go with the flow and see where it leads.
