Someday I Shall Be Going…

There just sometimes when I need to get things out and that's when you, dear friends, get a blog post

I am sitting in a pizza shop in Victoria BC and I just finished my first slice of pizza in 3 months. I've had more freedom in the last 48 hours then I've had in a very long time. Freedom to do what my own beliefs dictate and just be able to do what I want. Which to be honest isn't anything much. I've eaten some food and gone to a museum and walked a ton. But these past few weeks I've had this serious want to just be somewhere… to be known and loved by my friends… to have a place where I can be free to be what God wants me to be. I can't help but acknowledge what I want to do. I wanna restart up my etsy shop and make more stuff for it. I'd love to pay more attention to it and have it really flourish. I wanna live nearer to Kate cus she just gets me. I wanna catch up to all my peers who have jobs and significant others. I want to be a better friend and write more letters. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't give up these past two crazy hard years for anything. All the people I've met, the places I've gone, things I've done … these past two years have defined me and reformed me and made me who I am. Two years ago I wouldn't have been here. I'm a better person for it.

My friend Meg recently sent an email out talking about Gods perfect timing. I do believe that God gives us what we need and sometimes what we want. I don't believe that there's just one perfect person or one perfect job fore out there but probably a couple of options that I need to seek out but those options won't present themselves or make themselves known until the time is right. So even thought I may think that the time is right you may just hear me whine for another 6 months about living with my parents and subbing or in 3 weeks I may have found a job and be moving to the east coast or Canada. I mean my life is crazy like that. The point is that all I need to do is seek and then I'll find. No my life ain't going the way I thought it would but it's going just fine… and I'll embrace the craziness until it ends.
I'm leaving Canada tomorrow and going to Seattle to see a friend then on Wednesday it's back to Cali for the next adventure to begin.

the choices you make

Life has been steady in the intern house for these past few months... something clicked in Janurary and we've been going pretty strong ever since. We've clicked as a family finally. Its moving steadily along at MH. Summer is fast approaching. As I was driving back with some friends from dinner I realized it was almost 7pm and the sun hadn't even set yet. Summer is so close but at least its 2 months away. I'm going to Seattle in May to see old friends and campers from this past summer. My life has changed so much since last June... Since last September. People have been commenting on how I've grown and changed. Its wierd to get these compliments but oddly refrenshing. I know I've changed and I'm glad I have. If I was still the same person that I was 3 years ago... I really don't want to think about it.
I thought of an ex boyfriend today.... He wasn't the last guy I date but some one I had dated in high school... He is actually the only guy I have ever dated that... in all honesty I would date again. God just suddenly placed him on my heart and I just think of.... how it was a honor to be blessed by him for the short while we dated and kept in contect. And he's also the only guy I don't refer to by name if I do talk about him to others. Thats just my way of respecting him... so that people don't get him confused with the last guy I dated. I honestly miss hs bf.... He was a good guy and I wish we would have stayed together, at least as friends. He's the reason why I didn't go to Sac State. I was dating another guy when I got that acceptance letter to the school and I thought if I went to school I didn't know what would happen with hs bf. I probably would have gone out with him if he would have asked me.Life would have been so different if i had gone to Sac State. I can't even fathom what my life would have been like. Probably no Mount Hermon, No Jewish community, no me as I am now. But probably hs bf.... he would probably been in my life some way.
I wonder why God puts people on your hearts during random times. Is it to pray for them? Are they thinking of you? Why do they just strike your heart and mkae you wish so much that they were just there with you? I miss him sometimes... specially when God puts him on my heart. I wish things would have been different.... I wish I had made different choices..... choices that would have kept him in my life longer.... Just to see what God would have done with him.

Now I know God works in mysterious ways... and if God deems fit... hs bf just might make a come back in my life. I know today I said a prayer for him... just to thank God for putting him in my life and to keep him safe and well. Whatever God does with me I will still praise Him. I will be thankful under all circumstances. I am honestly not looking for love in that way right now. If it happens, it happens but I'm not searching for it like I use to. My life is good just the way it is... living here in MH with my intern family. I'm finally glad God has placed me here.