slowly pass

It seems that just yesterday I was standing in this room taking another picture (just like this) and wishing so badly to get on with my life. Well It's be over two years since I took that picture and I'm at another school but this room still remains one of my most favorite places....

Time is passing so quickly and its not like I'm not realizing it... One of my prayers is to for God to help me realize how lucky I am to have this time... in this place. This is such a unique time of my life. And I'm not going to get it back. This won't be a repeat preformance. But I know I'll move on and life will be have its ups and downs just like now. I just hope the days will drag a little more and I'll be able to appreciate everything I have....

My time in college is ending. I don't know what I'll do with out it quite honestly. How does one adjust to the real world? I'll miss the studying and reading... the attendance at lectures and the small things that make school so great. But as I prepare to move on I wonder what I'll bring along with me to the real world.... what friends will stand the test of time, what quirks will I keep... and how will I change? I can see myself changing but how? I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life... I don't know if I'm ready to move on from college. I've only had 2 years!!! At a real university!!! I should have gone to school right after high school... no that would have been bad... really bad.

Well change will happen... For one I won't be working at the camp I usually work at this summer. I'm going North... to Washington State. I'm excited! It'll be interesting and hopefully I'll learn more about myself and what I want from life... Life after college is scary. It means bills to pay, a job to work, and countless unkown things. But millions upon millions of people have done it and survived. And I know I will too... I just want these next 6 weeks to pass slower than they have. I want to have long sunny days in the meadows... I want to be stressed out about finals just a tad bit longer... and I want all the sweet things that surround me to stay with me that much longer...

Well I have to go... I have homework to do.

Future

Jeremiah 29:11 says that God knows the plans he has for us, plans for a hope and a future. As someone on the brink of unknown territory the words of Gods promise have been playing on repeat in my head... A hope and a future. What does that entail for me? The future is so uncertian and sometimes I'm not sure I have what it takes to just shove off and chart my own path... but I guess I'll have to now...

I got a job this summer at a camp I've never been to, doing a job i've never done, in a state I've never been too... It's a whole bunch of firsts and I'm wondering what God has exactly planned for me. So in June, 4 days after I graduate from college I'll be heading to Washington state to work on an island for 2 months as a camp photographer.

The question that popped into my head was how would I reinvent myself? How would this summer change my life? I have no backup plan... I haven't gotten any other job offers... God has sucessfully shown me that this is what He wants me to do. He's once again calling me off to a place where I will have to... well survive. This expierence is shaping up to be one of the most extreme things I've ever done... And I wonder what people will think of me when I return... will I have changed or just stayed the same.

A Hope and a Future... God truly has everything in the palms of His hands. When He has things planned for us.. we will have to do them... This morning I was listening to the radio and a segment came on in which the presenter said something about how our fear holds us back from doing what God wants.... I have to go. I can't let my fear of the unknown stop me. So as school winds down I'll be packing my trunk (!?!?!) and deciding what to keep with me and send home. Then I'll board the plane to Seattle and hopefully I won't look back too much and let God help me through what He's planned for me.

Valentines

a wordel for my favorite Shakespeare Sonnet (141)... Happy Valentines Day

Midterm Paper #1

makes you wonder what the topic was

Kiddush

solace

I'm usually very easy going and I let a lot of things just slip off my back. But lately I haven't had the ability to let things slide. My feelings get hurt, I'm frustrated more often than not and people are dissapointing me. This doesn't happen often... and I can't tell if its stress or if I'm truly just fed up with the people around me.

I'm in a sorority and it use to be great and fun all the time. But lately people just seem to be taking advantage of others. There seems to be a lot of cut throatness. Now many people might think that this sorta of thing happens regualrly within a sorority but not in mine... well at least not in the time I've been in it. People just don't seem to show the appreciation that they use to and I feel the brunt of it. So much so that I'm debating deactivating next quarter.... how sad would that be.... one quarter from graduation and deactivating cus you feel your "sisters" aren't being appreciative.

I just wish things would change. It really seems that God is so silent when it comes to things like this. God and I have had an off quarter this year. I don't really know what to do about it. I think I'll be going to chruch this Sunday... maybe I'll find some solace there.

I just wish people would show some appreciation to others every once in a while and not let them get to the point where I am now. I feel so alone even though I know I'm not. I wish there was someone I could vent this too without feeling like I'm letting them down or making them judgemental towards another person. But there is no such person in my life right now. I wish things would lighten up and people would think about me more often... show some appreciation for the things I do. I don't care to be paid back... just pay me with your time and good attitude. Just do something nice for me and I'll continue with the nice stuff I do for you....

Thinking Back

So right now I'm at work working a shift I don't usually care to work just because I know that I'll have to be here way to early tomorrow morning. I had lofty goals of actually completing my homework but that is fading fast....

So as I was surfing the web I came across an author who had recently published a book that looked somewhat interesting. The book is about a woman who ends up going home and has to deal not only with her childhood bedroom but with all these memories and people she hasn't thought about since high school.

Books with plots like this make me think about my own life and the past I have. I tend to dwell in the past a lot, well I am a history major. I've gotten better about it. Embarrassing memories don't haunt me as much and I don't tend to yearn for a time that was less complicated. But things do trigger the past... such as a trust circle, a happy memory, yearning for something lost, or a book plot. I know I don't really want to go back in time and change the way things went down. I'd rather see what God has for me in the future... but the fact that this character has to deal with her past made me think of a time where I might actually have the chance to deal with mine.

It's funny to me how people slip in and out of your life so easily. They play such significant parts and then they don't. The picture to the right is of such a person... my best friend .I find it funny how no one (with the exception of family and a few friends) know about him anymore. I haven't talked to him in almost a year. In all honesty, I've been avoiding him. I've been avoiding a lot of things. I don't go home as often as my family would like because I have no want to go home. Other people talk about thier hometowns with a sense of longing... I just talk about my horrible allergies, my changed bedroom, wal mart, and the ability to do nothing while I'm at home. I have no friends there or people who I would even want to hang out with, well with the exception of my family. But what if I was forced to go home and live there again? What would I do? How would I face the people that I cut out of my life? How would I feel?

My time in my hometown was about making connections but I left it with none. I'll be graduating from college in less than 6 months and since I transfered to my univeristy I have spent less than 3 months in my hometown. I don't want to go back after I graduate but it might have to be an option I consider. I'll be that woman stuck in her hometown facing her memories from high school. oy vey

When the past comes back to me... it hits me like a brick wall. There is nothing more I would want to do right now than pick up my phone, dial in a phone number, and talk with my best friend. But I know I won't. I don't miss him much any more. I can function with out him and for the most part he doesn't belong in my life anymore.... but as I sat in a group of girls earlier this week I realized that what I miss the most about my hometown is the intimate relationship that me and my best friend had. I don't know if I'll ever have that with another person... and I don't know if I want to. I miss being able to call him for no reason to share something stupid I'd done or something funny I'd seen. There are times when I'll be walking and something will happen and I'll think... "man he would have gotten a kick out of that". I don't have anyone I can truly be myself with anymore.... I'm getting better at that though.

But the future seems to be coming at me like a freight train.... and I know I won't be able to get off the tracks in time. There is a quote I heard somewhere this week... it goes "With one hand the past holds us back and with the other it pushes us forward". I'm at that point right now... But I have a feeling that no matter where I go and no matter what will happen.... my past will haunt me and thats okay... I mean I am a historian after all. The past is what I learn from.