So right now I'm at work working a shift I don't usually care to work just because I know that I'll have to be here way to early tomorrow morning. I had lofty goals of actually completing my homework but that is fading fast....
So as I was surfing the web I came across an author who had recently published a book that looked somewhat interesting. The book is about a woman who ends up going home and has to deal not only with her childhood bedroom but with all these memories and people she hasn't thought about since high school.
Books with plots like this make me think about my own life and the past I have. I tend to dwell in the past a lot, well I am a history major. I've gotten better about it. Embarrassing memories don't haunt me as much and I don't tend to yearn for a time that was less complicated. But things do trigger the past... such as a trust circle, a happy memory, yearning for something lost, or a book plot. I know I don't really want to go back in time and change the way things went down. I'd rather see what God has for me in the future... but the fact that this character has to deal with her past made me think of a time where I might actually have the chance to deal with mine.
It's funny to me how people slip in and out of your life so easily. They play such significant parts and then they don't. The picture to the right is of such a person... my best friend .I find it funny how no one (with the exception of family and a few friends) know about him anymore. I haven't talked to him in almost a year. In all honesty, I've been avoiding him. I've been avoiding a lot of things. I don't go home as often as my family would like because I have no want to go home. Other people talk about thier hometowns with a sense of longing... I just talk about my horrible allergies, my changed bedroom, wal mart, and the ability to do nothing while I'm at home. I have no friends there or people who I would even want to hang out with, well with the exception of my family. But what if I was forced to go home and live there again? What would I do? How would I face the people that I cut out of my life? How would I feel?
My time in my hometown was about making connections but I left it with none. I'll be graduating from college in less than 6 months and since I transfered to my univeristy I have spent less than 3 months in my hometown. I don't want to go back after I graduate but it might have to be an option I consider. I'll be that woman stuck in her hometown facing her memories from high school. oy vey
When the past comes back to me... it hits me like a brick wall. There is nothing more I would want to do right now than pick up my phone, dial in a phone number, and talk with my best friend. But I know I won't. I don't miss him much any more. I can function with out him and for the most part he doesn't belong in my life anymore.... but as I sat in a group of girls earlier this week I realized that what I miss the most about my hometown is the intimate relationship that me and my best friend had. I don't know if I'll ever have that with another person... and I don't know if I want to. I miss being able to call him for no reason to share something stupid I'd done or something funny I'd seen. There are times when I'll be walking and something will happen and I'll think... "man he would have gotten a kick out of that". I don't have anyone I can truly be myself with anymore.... I'm getting better at that though.
But the future seems to be coming at me like a freight train.... and I know I won't be able to get off the tracks in time. There is a quote I heard somewhere this week... it goes "With one hand the past holds us back and with the other it pushes us forward". I'm at that point right now... But I have a feeling that no matter where I go and no matter what will happen.... my past will haunt me and thats okay... I mean I am a historian after all. The past is what I learn from.