20 seconds of courage

so I have something to admit.... even though I am all about it.... love scares me flat out. I guess its being in love thats scary. I do love my friends and my family but to go deeper with just one person.... how do people do that on the daily? I never really realized that this scares me until recently... actually its been all within the past 2 weeks.

I realized on this past trip that I really do put up a wall when I start liking a guy... I just automaticly assume that they just wanna be friends and thats it... Oh I've had crushes but I've been a "realist" and decided that its just that a crush and nothing more... call it lust. So when I finally got that through my thick head I started to pray... And I asked God to just take it over, for me not to worry about it. and He did... and then I figured I should really stop caring what other people might think... I mean I wasn't going around throwing rose petels tellin every guy you're hot but I decided to sit where I wanted to sit and just to sit, read, or knit you get the pictures... just do my normal thing... and well something may have happened. Nothing crazy guys but yeah something happened.

Now I will be the first to tell you that abbout 90% of the time I have no clue whats going on in guys heads... if you were talkin about boys... well I get your average elementary school boy but men... forget about it. but this guy well even in my dim love life even I can get the signs that just maybe something is going through his brain thats something similar to mines... definate want to get to know each other better...

Kids I have no clue what has gotten into me... I am scared, my brain is going in over drive... I'm acting like a love sick middle schooler. And the worst thing is that this is a totally different emotion than I have ever felt before... and its because Jesus changed my heart. But for the most part I'm scared... Yes I know I really should post on his facebook and actually read what he posts on my fb with some sense of maturity (and this doesn't mean I should be asking my friends to do it for me)... and some time along the way I should tell him that I actually enjoy talking to him and that I hope we continue to do so for a very long time... and that he can call whenever his crazy schedule lets him (even if its 3am... I get too much sleep anyways).

I recently saw a movie that the main character told his brother that 20 seconds of courage and can totally change your life... maybe its time for my courage to get that 20 second of courage... to life up something to God and pray it all goes right in the end.

oh those arts are for an expirment I'm doing... mayhap valentines?

what a start!

whew well hello 2012!

Amazingly enough I was traveling over the holidays but now with nary a trip in sight I'm going to hopefully start doing more in my community and focusing on the people here than spending all my energy going. I mean I am going to Canada sometime this year... and I have a wedding to go to in March.... oh you know small little things. I should be worried about getting a different job so I can earn money for you know school (yay for credentials) but it'll get there.

You know cruising has always given me time to think things through... I think it has something to do with not having important to get to. Over this past 3 months I have spent over 5 weeks on a ship and well a lot of thought has taken place. I've realized so much more about myself and my relationship with Jesus. I've also surrendered a lot of my worries and cares to Him and you know what.... God has made so many changes in my life in these past few month it is so crazy. I am just amazed at has taken place within my own thought process and how I've changed my outlook on things. I have made some great new friends and been to some really cool places and even gotten to expierence a journey that I thought I would only make once. Things have really fallen into place for me and I cannot thank Jesus enough for taking this really crazy time and putting myself at ease with it all.




This past cruise was to Hawai'i. It was nice to have a change of the normal cruise daily life and have it peppered with Hawaiian culutral influences. I got a ukelele for Christmas and I'm hoping that I keep on practicing it and getting better at it. Maybe I'll become a famous uke player someday. That'll pay off the college loan bills wouldn't it? I met some really great people, crew natuarally, on this ship. They truly made the expierence better for me. I'm sorry to sound pompous but after all the cruises I've been on you know that being friends with the crew after you've gone is hard to do mainly because of the whole I'm on a boat and you're not. I do miss all the poeple I've met on these past voyages and I'm still in contact with some of them... I actually think that Danijel, a friend from the Panama trip, contracts ends within the week and he'll be headed back home to Serbia and Leydi from Peru is already home so we'v been able to chat a few times already. And from this last trip I'v e already gotten a call from the middle of the Pacific... which is so crazy and great/epic. I can't tell you how great it was to hear from this crew member and while I would be stolked if any of my crew member pals called me from anywhere this particular crew member was I can't even tell you how EPIC it was to hear his voice. I couldn't stop giggling... hopefully next time I'll be better composed.

I just got back from Santa Cruz yesterday and was able to go to church today. So thus far 2012 has been a great year filled with friends and laughter. I keep on saying this over and over but I have no idea what 2012 will bring me but if its anything like this past week has been it'll be filled with love and laughter.

2012... bring it.

Tick Tock

I wrote this entry on my phone while I was heading to get on yet another ship. I hope you get it.

I just looked at my watch and realized that 49 weeks ago I had finished my first week of bible school. For me rio vida is the changing point. It's either before or after my time there.

This year has not been easy. It's been on of the harder ones of my life. I've felt isolated rejected unloved and unwanted. Anger has reared it's ugly head and defeated has played its own little part. But I can truly say that Jesus has truly made my life bearable. He has been with me throught it all, made the obvious difference in my day. He has given me great and loving friends and love. I know that even if I feel like I am the only one in the world I'm not really, Jesus is here with me.

I have no clue what 2012 will bring. I have no plans for it… just things I'm considering at this moment. Like getting credentialed or tefl or even moving out. Maybe I'll do more traveling scratch that I know I'm doing that (sc first weekend in the year, Canada in the spring!). Life will go on for me. I'll go to some weddings, birthday parties, probably have some crazy adventures and it all won't be great but I will do it all serving God and loving on the people around me. This year will be about loving you. I am going to be better about that.

So as the year changes I hope that this year will be be great because you are loved.

You know you are.

My Year Letter

This is my "this is what I did this year" letter.You can click it to see a bigger version of it.

a mis match of thoughts

So even though I just did a "this is what I did this year" letter (I like that name better than holiday letter) I don't think I want to a remebering the year post just yet... oh it'll happen just not yet.

This weekend marks my 26th bitrthday. And my return to Santa Cruz. I haven't been there since April which is the longest I've been away since I moved there in the summer 2007. While my parents have lived in Lompoc since I was 9 Santa Cruz has been home. Its like coming back to a familiar hug. You know its always gonna be there maybe with a few new things but it'll always smeel the same and provide you what you're looking for. I miss living there. I miss my friends up there especially. I miss my church. I miss the trees and the ocean. I miss late night trips to the beach. Its one of thos things that I know if I moved back there it wouldn't be the same but it would pretty dang close. I can't wait to walk down Pacific Ave and sit in the Abbey again. To eat some of my favorite foods. To see people I love. Even though my life is slowly evolving out of Santa Cruz its always going to be the place I can go back to. Its always gonna be home.

May I admit something to you? I think it might be high time I did this due to it probably being healthy for me. I think I've developed feelings for someone. Yes its odd. And subbing at a high school doesn't help it much (I'm all into watching the interactions between high schoolers its pretty funny). I haven't been in a relationship in 4 years and I honestly Don't have much more
hope for this one going much beyond fb buddies... but that just might be my realist side coming out of the wood work. I should just let it ride right? I do know that is this does evolve that I have a couple of big decisions to make... and ones that won't be easy to do. All I am doing is praying to Jesus to help me make good choices. And I'm hoping that all my thoughts aren't about him! Gosh! Girl brains.
I have been missing Spain a lot lately. I want to go back, I need to go back. I miss soccer, I miss the beach, I miss the history, and I miss those dang triangols de maiz. I also miss that sketchy walk to Carrefore. Theres just a lot to miss. I just gotta go back this year and do the Camino de Santiago. Theres no other choice. My heart needs Spain.
I have a feeling that my heart is longing for the familiar that has gone unfamilar. I wonder what the cure is....

Guys Make a Comeback

Lets just for one moment talk about the guys I've met this year. I should first off say that prior to this year the amount of guy friends I had were pretty slim. There were the guys at camp and during intern year but that ain't much kids. Starting this Januaray its like the guys have started coming out of the wood work.

When I was in elementtry school I had tons of guy friends. I always bonded with boys better. No clue why it was just how it happened. Trevor, Logan, Jonathon, Casey, and Rex... I knew all these guys and played with them until I moved. Yes I did have girl friends too but I was more likely to be out there playing soccer with the boys or kickball. I was a tom boy. Through out the rest of my life especially in college a majority of my friendships turned to girls. It just happened and one day I realizd that all my guy pals had sorta just slipped away.

Then bible school started and the first 2 weeks I sat next to John Dunning an 18 year old kid from Canada and the rest of the boys Johnny, Gabe, Ben, Bret, and Josh plus Josh's little brother Caleb. Man those boys I don't know what I'd do without them. They are my brothers. I know I can go to them with most anything specially Josh, Johnny, and John. Most memories from school include one of these fine gentlemen and to be honest Caleb is one of the best 12 year olds I know and I miss him terribly!

The guys made a comeback this summer as well even if those friendships weren't as strong as Bible School but they were still good. Then coming back and going on these crazy cruises well gosh kids I have to be honest the male crew have sometimes been the only ones who talk to me (with the exception of Leydi! Leydi tu eres mi favorita!). These guys on the ships well I've met them from Mexico, Serbia, Hungary, Ukraine, Peru, India, Philippines, Bali, and Malasia. Its been great having conversations with these men and seeing thier perspective on the world and what thier lives are like back home. I've appreciated them taking time to say hello to me or even tease me (mis frijoleros I'm talking about you). They have been the highlights of my trips and keeping in contact with some of them has been great.

I never really thought that guys would make a comeback in my life. Its been a good year and the guys have certianly made it more interesting.

oh that guy up there thats Ben from Canada... bible school. Yeah you just gotta love 'em.

Finding the Light

So I'm back from south of the border and even though it was a crappy trip it definately is filled with stories and highlights, like frijoleros and a very warm Los Cabos. God blesses us in the strangest ways... ones we never really see coming until they hit and knock us over. The warmth of Cabo San Lucas warmed my soul and made me think of how the ugly can turn to bright and beautiful if you just wait for the wind to change.

I never really know what God has planned for me.... this trip may have just been an odd jolt in well dare I say love? Yeah I have stories kids and lets just say my head is still reeling from it all. God gives us blessings among the thorns. No one ever said that following Christ would be easy and its not. The constant struggle to balance the world and to loose yourself fully to Him is delicate. I found myself talking more about Jesus... letting Him do the talking and not myself during this week. And it gave me the bright spots in my week. Fully relying on Jesus is what gets me by these day kids and when I can fully trust in Him that is when peace is found.

So my stories... am I going to share them with you? well as I am pretty sure that most people petered out sometime in the second paragraph I'm not sure. You know you'll probably get them tomorrow or maybe even the next... but for now... Thats what emails, letters, skype, and fb chat is all about these days. So for now I'll hold them close and share them one by one...

the picture? dawn in San Pedro... I win with only 1 hour of sleep last night... the reason why? that my dears is a story