Longing for the familiar

Sometimes it just hits me this feeling of fear... fear of not knowing completely what I'm doing and the longing for something familiar... a place where I can just be and to enjoy my surroundings. I think I had that once.... free to be a person that no one had expectations of... to learn things without really knowing I'm learning.... to grow wildly..... and to experience love from unexpected sources. It hits me ever so often when I'm staring at a pink sky or see a fb message about summer. I never thought I'd still miss it after all this time.

So an update on life... I didn't get the job. Oh well. but I've gotten some bills taken care of by other people. I switched my medical plan and my parents and I are staring to share a storage unit so that'll help out with the cash flow. Over this past week I've been cleaning my room (I know I can hear some of you gasping) and sorting out my storage unit getting rid of stuff I've accumulated over the years. I have a lot of junk... junk I can very much live without. So I'm getting rid of a lot of stuff but holding on to some items I know others would want (Lori I got a UCSC sweatshirt with your name on it). I know I don't need much especially if I'm occupied with other distractions (living in a tipi can really help a person out with minimalism). I really don't need half the stuff I have and I really wish it would all disappear.

My birthday was this past Thursday. I have a love/hate relationship with my birthday not because of the getting older thing (I act like I'm 12... I don't see that changing anytime soon and I get get away with it still) but because the day never goes like I'd like it to. This time it was pleasant, but I still wish I had had some friends there with me to. Don't get me wrong my mom is great but it would be nice to see some other people every once in awhile. We went to the Santa Barbara Art Museum and saw their exhibits. They have some really neat water colors on exhibit and some lovely photographs of Yosemite. In their permanent exhibit they have some awesome oil paintings and 2 Monet's. I love that man... he's one of my favorite artists. Then down to the Habit for lunch and over San Marcos pass on the long way home. I was incredibly tired though so that was a downer but it was a good day. I got the travel pack I had wanted and a couple of other things for my trip.

Other than that life is progressing. Its a little over a month til I leave so I'm getting address from people and praying to God about stuff and trying not really to think about it too much. I just don't want to set high expectations and then it just be normal.... in all honesty I'm only setting expectations for the weather and hoping that'll come through... I love rain but I'm over it... need some sun, a warm breeze and well a nice beach would be good. I think I'll hit the jackpot when I get there.

The other day I realized just how much closer to Israel I'll be.... If my friends in Israel touch the Med Sea that water could very easily reach me in Spain. My thoughts tend to remember Israel and the Jews when I go through hard times. Its my comfort when things get rough. I just miss being apart of the Jewish community. I miss challah, and shabbat, and all those random holidays that we had. I just feel so out of the loop here. I miss being apart of community.... In this time at home I've realised that I've forgotten some of the dreams I use to have.... maybe for the better but I can't really deny them. I mean God made them my dreams for a reason. I know someday I'll be with my Friends who have made aliyah to Israel in Israel... probably just for a visit but maybe for longer. I don't know why God made this apart of my life but maybe someday I'll find out.

So thats it everyone... if you want to correspond with me while I am over sease youm outta send me your address so I can write it down before I leave. And please pray for this continued money situation... and also that God's will be done.