life isn't going my way...

Does it ever suddenly hit you that your life isn't going the way you wanted it to? Thats things you thought you wanted to do you weren't able to or just didn't do? Thats where I'm stuck right now. My life just isn't going to what I wanted. Being a Christian this falls under the "This is what God wants for me" Catagory. I've spent a lot of time angry and frustrated with God these past few weeks. I'm at a place I didn't really want to be at doing a job that I didn't really want, living in a house with way too many people. My thoughts often turn to my job this summer and how much better it was living in a tipi with no running water and electricity. My life isn't going where I want it to go right now.
This has happened before... I didn't want to go to camp this summer but I did. And it was awesome. God showed me a lot and I learned a lot about myself. I still don't really know why God put me in that place for just one summer but I'm feel confident that someday He'll show me.
People have asked me "How does it feel to be graduated?" "How was this summer?" and I always come to a loss of words. I really don't know. I haven't had any down time since well.... last December I think. Thinking through things hasn't been on my priority list. I've just been too busy. It doesn't feel like I'm out of school. I'm still in the area.... working at the same place I have been since I've been in Santa Cruz. It just feels like life always has been.And I really struggle with that. I feel like I'm too much in a box and I'm not expanding my boundries like I've always wanted too. My life has become way to comfertable. Going to Washington was good for me. I expanded, took less showers, worked a job I don't know if I ever want again, and meet some awesome kids. Honestly those kids are gonna make this world a better place. I can feel it in my bones. I'm honored to have spent a summer making sure they didn't kill themselves and being allowed into thier lives.
So now I'm back in California. All the plans I made for the next year have been squashed. I got offered a job 2 days after my return from Washington and I took it even though I had reservations about it. I knew God wanted me there, even though I didn't want to be here. I know that by following God that something good must come from it. I bet my mother is hoping for a husband for me... gosh. I'm really over that already and its only just begun. I don't know where I'll be next year or even what I'll be doing. I don't know if I'll make plans or even srtive to do anything other than try to live from day to day. Right now I'm only hoping that God provides a hot plate for my kitchen soon so I can get away from fast food and dining halls.

slowly pass

It seems that just yesterday I was standing in this room taking another picture (just like this) and wishing so badly to get on with my life. Well It's be over two years since I took that picture and I'm at another school but this room still remains one of my most favorite places....

Time is passing so quickly and its not like I'm not realizing it... One of my prayers is to for God to help me realize how lucky I am to have this time... in this place. This is such a unique time of my life. And I'm not going to get it back. This won't be a repeat preformance. But I know I'll move on and life will be have its ups and downs just like now. I just hope the days will drag a little more and I'll be able to appreciate everything I have....

My time in college is ending. I don't know what I'll do with out it quite honestly. How does one adjust to the real world? I'll miss the studying and reading... the attendance at lectures and the small things that make school so great. But as I prepare to move on I wonder what I'll bring along with me to the real world.... what friends will stand the test of time, what quirks will I keep... and how will I change? I can see myself changing but how? I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life... I don't know if I'm ready to move on from college. I've only had 2 years!!! At a real university!!! I should have gone to school right after high school... no that would have been bad... really bad.

Well change will happen... For one I won't be working at the camp I usually work at this summer. I'm going North... to Washington State. I'm excited! It'll be interesting and hopefully I'll learn more about myself and what I want from life... Life after college is scary. It means bills to pay, a job to work, and countless unkown things. But millions upon millions of people have done it and survived. And I know I will too... I just want these next 6 weeks to pass slower than they have. I want to have long sunny days in the meadows... I want to be stressed out about finals just a tad bit longer... and I want all the sweet things that surround me to stay with me that much longer...

Well I have to go... I have homework to do.

Future

Jeremiah 29:11 says that God knows the plans he has for us, plans for a hope and a future. As someone on the brink of unknown territory the words of Gods promise have been playing on repeat in my head... A hope and a future. What does that entail for me? The future is so uncertian and sometimes I'm not sure I have what it takes to just shove off and chart my own path... but I guess I'll have to now...

I got a job this summer at a camp I've never been to, doing a job i've never done, in a state I've never been too... It's a whole bunch of firsts and I'm wondering what God has exactly planned for me. So in June, 4 days after I graduate from college I'll be heading to Washington state to work on an island for 2 months as a camp photographer.

The question that popped into my head was how would I reinvent myself? How would this summer change my life? I have no backup plan... I haven't gotten any other job offers... God has sucessfully shown me that this is what He wants me to do. He's once again calling me off to a place where I will have to... well survive. This expierence is shaping up to be one of the most extreme things I've ever done... And I wonder what people will think of me when I return... will I have changed or just stayed the same.

A Hope and a Future... God truly has everything in the palms of His hands. When He has things planned for us.. we will have to do them... This morning I was listening to the radio and a segment came on in which the presenter said something about how our fear holds us back from doing what God wants.... I have to go. I can't let my fear of the unknown stop me. So as school winds down I'll be packing my trunk (!?!?!) and deciding what to keep with me and send home. Then I'll board the plane to Seattle and hopefully I won't look back too much and let God help me through what He's planned for me.

Valentines

a wordel for my favorite Shakespeare Sonnet (141)... Happy Valentines Day

Midterm Paper #1

makes you wonder what the topic was

Kiddush

solace

I'm usually very easy going and I let a lot of things just slip off my back. But lately I haven't had the ability to let things slide. My feelings get hurt, I'm frustrated more often than not and people are dissapointing me. This doesn't happen often... and I can't tell if its stress or if I'm truly just fed up with the people around me.

I'm in a sorority and it use to be great and fun all the time. But lately people just seem to be taking advantage of others. There seems to be a lot of cut throatness. Now many people might think that this sorta of thing happens regualrly within a sorority but not in mine... well at least not in the time I've been in it. People just don't seem to show the appreciation that they use to and I feel the brunt of it. So much so that I'm debating deactivating next quarter.... how sad would that be.... one quarter from graduation and deactivating cus you feel your "sisters" aren't being appreciative.

I just wish things would change. It really seems that God is so silent when it comes to things like this. God and I have had an off quarter this year. I don't really know what to do about it. I think I'll be going to chruch this Sunday... maybe I'll find some solace there.

I just wish people would show some appreciation to others every once in a while and not let them get to the point where I am now. I feel so alone even though I know I'm not. I wish there was someone I could vent this too without feeling like I'm letting them down or making them judgemental towards another person. But there is no such person in my life right now. I wish things would lighten up and people would think about me more often... show some appreciation for the things I do. I don't care to be paid back... just pay me with your time and good attitude. Just do something nice for me and I'll continue with the nice stuff I do for you....