Relentless:What is your inspiration to sacrifice?

The challenge this week is to redecorate your life with your inspiration to sacrifice... well to be honest I'm not sure what it is that makes me want to sacrifice.... All I could think about is Christ...

I can openly say that I am the person I am today because Christ has made me so... Do I still have my faults? Yes of course! But my life has improved so much because Christ hasmade me new and I am continue to strive to make myself more like Him.

Being reminded why I am the way I am doesn't always have to be a picture that I see but it sure is helpful to see. As I spoke with a friend from Bible School this week she told me that even in the hard times she knows that God is going to get her through it and thats what keeps her going.... I can't even say I've done that. Its all about total surrender in order to find your freedom in Christ. Its about being reminded to let go of everything and to trust that God is really going to come through for you.

So I've changed my laptop background, my iPhone wallpaper to remember that Christ comes first and everything else just follows. My fb profile is of me in Spain in front of a centuries old synangog... why you ask? to remind me of my past in the Jewish community and thier want to go out help others and to accept others. To fight for those who cannot or do not have a voice. I've started to write down my prayers at night to be more focused in my walk with God. I know there is a lot more I could do to strengthen it but small steps lead to giant bounds.

Even this week I have found myself surrounded by students who I never thought I would ever be able to talk to... I even got a hug from one of them. Jesus listens to all our problems and we often neglect to listen to others troubles....

I'm still looking for things that inspire me... things that I can put up so that I can be made aware of the gift I am given every day. Its hard and I'm struggling to figure out what they are but I have a feeling that it'll all work out in the end.

Relentless: What is Sacrifice?

Did you know that Lent begins tomorrow? Every year people give up something that they deem vital to their lives so that they can feel a tiny portion of pain that Jesus felt for us. My mom has told me that her grandfather, Pat, would give up smoking every year. He would suffer through the withdrawls and the coughing and the pain for the 40 days of Lent... Just to remind us of what Jesus did for us...

I have to admit I have been pretty unsuccessful participating in Lent in the past. I always mean well but it never really goes the way it outta... I always give up. Well thats a small untruth I have read my Bible every day of lent! But the sacrifice that others give during lent never really makes an impression on me. I can always focus on whats here and now... not what I'm missing out on.

This year I am taking a different path for Lent. I have decided to participate in World Visions Relentless: act:s of sacrifice. Its a series of challenges put forth over the next 6 weeks to help us better realize the meaning of sacrifice. The first challenge if to think about what we are willing to sacrifice...
As I've said before its always hard for me to sacrifice because my mind just doesn't process it after awhile. I can't give up my phone or computer. I'm not down with giving up soda anymore... I don't smoke or drink or play any game obssesively. I don't have friends nearby so I can't give up a social outlet... So I started thinking about what aspects of myself should I give up... and it hit me... I need to give up my fear and laziness. I have these irrational fears (that probably most everyone has) like people won't like me, or forget about me, or don't care, that people don't like what I make for them. So this lenten season I'm gonna make hats and just give them away. I am going to put more effort into writing to people and making authentic connections with those I have around me. And for laziness... well I am going to clean my room (that will be a process) and not "forget" to call someone. I will look around me, persue things that I feel passionate about (i.e. people) and just get stuff done! And if I need to give up something for reals... I'm not going to buy anything craft related until Easter (2 exceptions... I'm making a blanket for a friends wedding and that project is exempt AND I'm buying some watercolors... tomorrow so that'll slide beneath the lent line right?). And to top it off I'm going to keep track of it here and in my own journal.

The picture above somewhat sums up what I deem sacrfice to be. To me sacrifice strips everything that you hold dear... the objects, the people and you can finally just rely on God and can feel His power. You can't take anything with you. Just the faith that God will get you through it all in one piece.

Happy Lent people. I hope your sacrifice this season is one that makes you think.

social interactions

whew... this week has been a week. I've spent 2 weeks subbing at my old high school which has been a trip. It takes a lot out of you to be around teenagers for sometimes 11 hours a day. I really love subbing and it was super nice to get to know the kids there and develope relationships of them but it also makes me super aware of how lonely I am here in Lompoc. There have been some really high moments this week like teaching someone what Pearl Harbor was, or being told I'm a great sub, being asked to come back and teach, being told secrets or the local gossip but coming home on friday from a basketball game made me realize that this is a lonely life I'm living right now.

The majority of my social interactions happen with students these days and its a very thin line you walk when they want to be "friends" outside of school. You can't really be yourself or at least be fully yourself. You must constantly sensor youself. I miss not having an option of being fully me... or being called my first name. I've been called my last name by a lot of kids because of camp but when a student dos it at school it hits a nerve sometimes. so sad....

I know I've groaned about this before but I am desperate for a friend close by. Someone to goof off with, to talk crap with, to be slightly immature at times, someone to have adventures with, who'll not laugh when I need a new profile picture (and take the picture), someone to go out into this world and to show christ to them... to show christ to the world! My house can be so smothering at times... I have no way to get out and be free.

I was suppose to go to a bridal shower today in LA but I didn't go... money, energy, my perpetual awkwardness at parties. And then Tuesday is Valentines day? Sorry even when I was in a relationship I wasn't overly fond of this holiday. Maybe I'll sub at a school with a valentines day party... oooo I do love valentines candy... But even though to day is lame I do like what it stands for... love. Thanks be to God for giving us love and to Jesus for showing what it can do.

high school can break your heart

This past week I have been subbing at my old high school for a resouce class. A resource class you ask? Yup, those kids are epic... It came to me today that I may care too much.

High school was not the greatest expierence for me... I honestly don't miss it much. The thing I miss the most is the social aspect. Being lonely and with the lack of a social outlet in this town has really put me in an awkward position this week. Part of me wishes I could go back and join in on sports, clubs, and the social outlet which high school is, I honestly can't anymore. If this was a different world I would want to become friends with half the students I've taught this week but I can't. And I can't help how much I care about these teens... how much I want them to better themselves and to get out of school with decent grades so that they have options for their lives. High school is so very hard... I just want them to know I'm rooting for them.... that I care.

This week has been a golden one for me... I've gone to so many basketball games (cus I worked 'em and one cus it was lompoc cabrillo) and one soccer game. Kids have told me thier secrets and about thier lives... I've made friends with a gang member (what what!) and been invited into these kids lives. Its an honor to be apart of them... and I'm sad that I'm going to have to leave them and let them go to the wind...

High school is a heart breaker for so many reasons... and I need to reign in my emotions and just accept the facts.... I need to stop caring about these kids... I need to let them go...... I wish sometimes that God would have given me the thoughts I have now when I was younger... when I was in high school... this would have been easier... I'm going back to elementry schools... you can't be friends with them.

Trust

This is something that has been bugging me for quiet sometime... and I've never really figured out how to really say it elequently but for some reason its decided that today is the day it wants to come out...

From an early age we are told to trust others... our parents, our family, friends, our teacher... and we do so blindly walking out into the world because we know that someone out there is watching over us. As we grow older we start to understand the elements of trust and start to question why we once trusted people the way we did. Not that we all rebel but I think we all come to question why we trust the people we trust. Its apart of growing up of course...

It hit me soon after I cam back from this last vacation that trust is a hard thing for me to do. I'm not saying that I don't trust people at all, I have friends that I talk with, people know my secrets but there is something to say that I don't trust peoples actions... I don't trust people to treat me in a way I like to be treated.

I made a friend on the last cruise whom I've breifly talked about before and this friend, well I like him to be honest and I was hoping that we would remain good friends at the very least. This guy said he would call... and I really didn't trust he would... I mean I was hopin for a fb friendship (which can be lovely as we all know) and if I ever went to his home country some one to hook a sister up with where to go and I dunno a translator? I wasn't hopin for much as he's on the boat until... September I think? Well bless my soul when he actually called me! This had never happened before to me! A guy actually coming through to call for some lame conversation cus I was in shock that he actually called? He said he would call again... and he hasn't. This unfortunately leads me into thinking about trust.

I spoke with my friend Kate about this whole mess and she said that I was possibly scared by life... and its so true. I don't believe my friends will ever call me, or ask me to visit them, or send me mail, invite me to their weddings, or anything else for the matter. Every relationship is a fight for me to maintian because I feel that I need to push it through.. to keep it going because no one will ever think to reach out to me... I must reach out to you if I want to keep you as my friend. And I am so sure that people don't think about me in that way... I'm horrible at saying "Please call me! Out of the blue or planned! Ask me to come and see you! I'll come 80% of the time! Let me know the mundane about your life!". I am so scared that people will reject me because I want to know them.

My life right now is so solitary yet not private at all... I want to be able to talk with someone but my voice is silenced because theres no one I feel who has time to listen... theres no one to talk to face to face. I don't know if I can trust my friends not to forget about me. I can't even believe a guy when he says he'll call.

This is the honest truth of my life... the fear that I carry around with daily. I have no clue why I hav it and I am too shy to do anything about it... except to write this blog about it. I know Jesus will take care of it... but maybe this is something that I am not ready to let go of yet. Or I just can't do it yet... I'm not sure on that one.

Thankful 2012

Little known fact... My new Years Eve was pretty lame. Yes I was on a cruise, yes it was a vacation, and yes I was with my family. But heres the thing... my family likes to go to sleep early even on vacation and to be honest I'm pretty shy. I'm not one to go around flaunting my emotions or even telling people how I feel about them... sigh that doesn't always go well. So here I was sitting in the back of the Vista lounge with who knows how many other people and that silly deputy cruise director says to get up and hold hands with the people around you (yeah uh yeah that didn't happen with me), so I get up and go lean against a column and the count down commences... as we hit one all I can think of is... Thank you Jesus.

How often do we thank God, our family, our friends, the cashier, or anyone else who we interact with on a daily basis? And how often do we really mean it or is it just something we say without a thought. 2011 was a hard year, there is no way around it, but it gave me so much to be thankful for and I didn't really grasp it. 2012 is my year to be thankful, to really embrace it whether its good, bad, or ugly. I am thankful for my family, all of my wonderful friends, the places I've been, for Jesus walking with me, and for everything God has given me.

2012 will not be an easy year... its gonna be frustrating and hard, there will be twists and turns, peaks and valleys. And honestly if I hear one more time that I should join the Air Force I may just scream. I already miss traveling and I always miss my friends. I know I won't get everything that I want but I'll get everything I need. Maybe this year I need to push a little more, be more vocal with what I would like to see happen but through it all I want to thank Jesus for what he has, what he does, and what He will give me through this crazy year.

Reality Check

This week marks the one year anniversary of my attending Rio Vida. As I look back at this past year I see all the crazy adventures, the friends I've made, and the growth that has happened... I also see my regression back into pre-Bible school attitudes. Its hard being so far away from people you care about. The closest person who attended school with me is near Portland OR, my closest friend is 2 hours away. I have a wonderful gospel community but even they are a 30 min drive away. Its hard being in reality. No matter what I do or how we commincate nothing beats just calling up someone and being able to meet them 10 minutes later. Now its back to the grind of finding another job, figuring out grad school possibly, moving houses (we need to move due to my moms illness), and navigating being 26. I honestly don't see myself being able to leave Lompoc any time soon due to financial reasons... which is fine. I don't particularly care for Lompoc (sorry its pretty boring here) but its better than some places I could be. At least I have a job I like and at least I have a computer in which to communicate with my friends, and the freedom to choose a church and a community that cares for me.

This year I chose a word to symbolize what I want to be or do this year... I chose thankful. I'm sure I'll expand upon this later but I thought I would share it now so you all would know and keep me accountable. We so often let the things we want and don't recieve outway the blessings that we have. I want to keep positive this year and not focus on what I don't have but what I do.