This is something that has been bugging me for quiet sometime... and I've never really figured out how to really say it elequently but for some reason its decided that today is the day it wants to come out...
From an early age we are told to trust others... our parents, our family, friends, our teacher... and we do so blindly walking out into the world because we know that someone out there is watching over us. As we grow older we start to understand the elements of trust and start to question why we once trusted people the way we did. Not that we all rebel but I think we all come to question why we trust the people we trust. Its apart of growing up of course...
It hit me soon after I cam back from this last vacation that trust is a hard thing for me to do. I'm not saying that I don't trust people at all, I have friends that I talk with, people know my secrets but there is something to say that I don't trust peoples actions... I don't trust people to treat me in a way I like to be treated.
I made a friend on the last cruise whom I've breifly talked about before and this friend, well I like him to be honest and I was hoping that we would remain good friends at the very least. This guy said he would call... and I really didn't trust he would... I mean I was hopin for a fb friendship (which can be lovely as we all know) and if I ever went to his home country some one to hook a sister up with where to go and I dunno a translator? I wasn't hopin for much as he's on the boat until... September I think? Well bless my soul when he actually called me! This had never happened before to me! A guy actually coming through to call for some lame conversation cus I was in shock that he actually called? He said he would call again... and he hasn't. This unfortunately leads me into thinking about trust.
I spoke with my friend Kate about this whole mess and she said that I was possibly scared by life... and its so true. I don't believe my friends will ever call me, or ask me to visit them, or send me mail, invite me to their weddings, or anything else for the matter. Every relationship is a fight for me to maintian because I feel that I need to push it through.. to keep it going because no one will ever think to reach out to me... I must reach out to you if I want to keep you as my friend. And I am so sure that people don't think about me in that way... I'm horrible at saying "Please call me! Out of the blue or planned! Ask me to come and see you! I'll come 80% of the time! Let me know the mundane about your life!". I am so scared that people will reject me because I want to know them.
My life right now is so solitary yet not private at all... I want to be able to talk with someone but my voice is silenced because theres no one I feel who has time to listen... theres no one to talk to face to face. I don't know if I can trust my friends not to forget about me. I can't even believe a guy when he says he'll call.
This is the honest truth of my life... the fear that I carry around with daily. I have no clue why I hav it and I am too shy to do anything about it... except to write this blog about it. I know Jesus will take care of it... but maybe this is something that I am not ready to let go of yet. Or I just can't do it yet... I'm not sure on that one.