run away for awhile

I had an old friend drop in on me for the past few days. I hadn't seen him in almost 3 years and he's been around the world (literally) a time or two and was headed onwards to New Zealand. I truly enjoyed having his presence in my life for a few days, to be able to talk with someone and not really have to weed through my words... someone who knew me at time in the past... it was nice to be known for a few days.

life has been hard lately... I've felt lost, not from God, just lost as a person. I don't really know where I belong anymore... I honestly feel like the people who surround me use me or are obligated to acknowledge me cus I do nice things for them or they feel obligated to. I bet thats not right but it feels like it. Actually it is right in some cases. And often, specially since my friend left I've just wanted to drop everything and just leave for awhile. I just want to feel wanted again... I want people to do kind things for me gain and I feel incredibly greedy about feeling that way. I just need one good friend, a physical presence, to walk me through this cus I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to understand my grief better, I just want people to show me that they care for me.

This is just words to the wind... sometimes I just need to say things and let them go

Birthday times

Let me let you in on a little secret.... I have always wanted a surprise birthday party. To me that is the ultimate sign of someone caring for me. Not letting me in or asking opinions on what I want but just going all for it and planning me a birthday party with people I love there. 

I turned 28 yesterday. It wasn't as hard as I thought it was but I did miss my mom. Instead of blueberry muffins I got cinnamon rolls and no one sang me las mananitas and no cake. I did get free Starbucks though. It's bittersweet to know my last birthday here went somewhat uncelebrated. Yeah people reached out via Facebook and texts but no one truly came along side of me to celebrate it. I wish I was capable of asking someone to do that with me but deep down I just want someone to tell me that they really want to.

My life is filled with drama and it never stops. I wish it would. I wish someone would reach out to me... To speak my love language of actions not words. At the same time I also want to be content with what I have and thankful for it. It's just sometimes hard to see it through all the drama. I want to be optimistic about it but I don't want to get my hopes dashed. There's just no end to it. I can never decide what I want.

Same For You

Something I've been struggling with lately is well dealing with teenagers. Its hard to be in a community in which there isn't really any people in your age group so you have to choose.... older or younger. Well a long time ago I chose younger and its been pretty good. When they do something hurtful or caddy their easier to forgive cus they don't get it yet. You help them see what they did was no exactly right and hopefully they grow and learn a little. But since my mom has died its gotten harder. I don't have an outside source to depend on socially or even emotionally... its just these high schoolers. They don't get that it hurts to be lied to and when it happens.... well a lot it weighs on you. I get why my mom said "sorry doesn't mean much with out action". I wish things didn't weigh on me heavily, I wish I had people I could hang out with that were my own age. I don't know why God put me in this situation... maybe to drive home how important it is to have community with people my own age? To know how important it is to have people who take true interest in you? To take true interest in people? I'm realizing slowly that giving love and attention to people changes them but you have to have someone doing the same for you..

chit chat

Well my life has taken a couple of turns since my leaving Spain this summer.... and the turn of it is I am actually moving back there sometime next year to serve with a missions agency long term. This coupled with my families move to Oklahoma means I'm leaving California permanently. Not saying that I'm never coming back just living here isn't in the picture anymore. That's sorta tough for this California girl to take but its what God wants so thats what I do.

If you haven't gotten it change is pretty hard for me to take, new situations are often difficult. That being said I do really like them but my brain can't wrap itself around. And its even harder when I don't have the physical friends here within my presence to help me with this. Now I got people around me who care and love me but their either younger by a couple of years or older by more years.No ones in the middle. I am truly blessed that the young people I work with trust me and care for me in the way they do. I don't expect them to care for me in the least. I expect respect but that doesn't always result from caring for the said person. They don't treat me like one of their friends but they want me to do things for them, to listen to them, etc. And while I love that they love me in their odd way I still need someone to care for me..... Jesus has given me, including the mindset that I have regarding my current loneliness. This sucks but its temporary. Somethings gonna give eventually and things will be better. It just helps to chat about it every once in awhile

Hope

I've had a crazy summer thus far. It's been full of ups and downs and I cannot begin to explain how I've changed and how broken I've been. Nothing has really gone like I've hoped or wanted but it's gone like it should have for if we don't have seasons of hardships then how are we changed for the good? How do we learn how to trust in God? How are we secured of our faith in Him? 

This past week I was supposed to walk the Camino de Santiago, an pilgrimage route that I have wanted to hike for over 15 years, but an old injury came to bite me in the bum and I couldn't continue. I rejoined my group on the last day of their hikes and even on that day we didn't hike on the way, we hiked along the highway (yes it was scary). How could that happen to me? I've wanted to hike the Camino for years and a very old injury prevents me from it? How could God be so cruel? After all the stuff that's happened this year? I can tell you it's because He loves me. He knows what's best for me, I have to go through all this crap in order to see the better, to trust that in the long run, God has a better plan. Along our hike yesterday we saw the rainbow I posted above. Someone once told me that a rainbow is a sign that God fulfills his promises to us. His love never fails, He has a hope and a future for us. I don't know what God had planned for me, and I don't know if I truly want to know that all yet. I may have a feeling but nothing is for certain. All I can do is surrender to his will and see where it takes me. Through the pain there is hope.

Home Mount Hermon Home

I just found out tonight that a friend of mine will be working at Mount Hermon this summer. And as overjoyed that I am that he will be working in this awesome place it's keeping me up realizing how much the herm means to me and how much I miss it. The herm is home to me and that never changes. It's my constant in this crazy life. I know that there's a place where people still love me, where redwoods still grow tall, where summers are the best time of year, and people change and grow in the Lord. I miss that brief time in my life where my life focused soley on the herm. It was one of the hardest and most challenegeing times in my life and I wouldn't give it up for anything. The relationships that I've taken away from that are my best support... They are my family. My heart yearns for summers at Mount Hermon and I wish I was able to spend another summer working there. I'm pretty sure that's never going to happen again and all ill have are my sweet memories of this place. And now ill have someone to talk about them with that's closer to home.

Normal

Sometimes it hits me how not "normal" my life is. When I look at what my peers are doing or have and see me lacking the things they have (not really talking about possessions per say), I just feel stunted. Do you really know how it feels not to be in a relationship at my age? When a majority of people are married, or getting married, or at least are serious with another person? I'm not saying I need a relationship to function, I don't, but it would be nice to have someone. Its hard to be continually asked why I haven't found someone yet. Or the subject of friends... I miss them... a lot. There isn't a lot of people my age who are single around here. Most people are younger or attached. I miss having someone to have late night adventures with. High schoolers just don't cut it. I miss the maturity of my old friends, the closeness we had, the ability to feel comfortable with someone in the silence... not having to fill it with noise.

I've figured that because of all this, well that's why I travel. I'm searching for some semblance of normal for a little while. People to see me as a 27 year old. To be with people nearer to my own age. To be looked up to by others. To look up to others. To be able to have late night adventures, to have stories that people want to hear. To remember how my life was and what it might look like again

I know that my old normal is probably unattainable. Its never gonna be like that again. I'll always be well loved but the odd man out in a situation. No one will ever so what I wish they would do, think of me. And I know that people probably do think of me and miss me but they just don't show it in a way I can perceive  Words only go so far with me, I need a little action behind that statement please. And I know I'm cruddy at reaching out and telling people what I want or need. I'm getting better at it but often it just makes me feel like a burden to others...

This just hits me ever so often. How I wish everything was right and just how not right it is now. Most of the time I'm not bothered by it. I know God had/has a reason why He put me back in Lompoc for this time. Whether it was to work at Cabrillo or be with my mom in her last years or even to let me have the opportunities to leave and come back. Not to be tied down like some of my friends are... to be able to have the stories I have, to have been on this journey I'm on. Its so very hard to be me at times. But God is always here and when it does get hard like this.... He's there, He cares and loves me even when I feel like no one else does. I know this will past and I'll be fine again. And life is changing a lot these days... I honestly have no clue where I'll be a year from now. It could be here, or Europe or even Oklahoma but God will be there