high school can break your heart

This past week I have been subbing at my old high school for a resouce class. A resource class you ask? Yup, those kids are epic... It came to me today that I may care too much.

High school was not the greatest expierence for me... I honestly don't miss it much. The thing I miss the most is the social aspect. Being lonely and with the lack of a social outlet in this town has really put me in an awkward position this week. Part of me wishes I could go back and join in on sports, clubs, and the social outlet which high school is, I honestly can't anymore. If this was a different world I would want to become friends with half the students I've taught this week but I can't. And I can't help how much I care about these teens... how much I want them to better themselves and to get out of school with decent grades so that they have options for their lives. High school is so very hard... I just want them to know I'm rooting for them.... that I care.

This week has been a golden one for me... I've gone to so many basketball games (cus I worked 'em and one cus it was lompoc cabrillo) and one soccer game. Kids have told me thier secrets and about thier lives... I've made friends with a gang member (what what!) and been invited into these kids lives. Its an honor to be apart of them... and I'm sad that I'm going to have to leave them and let them go to the wind...

High school is a heart breaker for so many reasons... and I need to reign in my emotions and just accept the facts.... I need to stop caring about these kids... I need to let them go...... I wish sometimes that God would have given me the thoughts I have now when I was younger... when I was in high school... this would have been easier... I'm going back to elementry schools... you can't be friends with them.

Trust

This is something that has been bugging me for quiet sometime... and I've never really figured out how to really say it elequently but for some reason its decided that today is the day it wants to come out...

From an early age we are told to trust others... our parents, our family, friends, our teacher... and we do so blindly walking out into the world because we know that someone out there is watching over us. As we grow older we start to understand the elements of trust and start to question why we once trusted people the way we did. Not that we all rebel but I think we all come to question why we trust the people we trust. Its apart of growing up of course...

It hit me soon after I cam back from this last vacation that trust is a hard thing for me to do. I'm not saying that I don't trust people at all, I have friends that I talk with, people know my secrets but there is something to say that I don't trust peoples actions... I don't trust people to treat me in a way I like to be treated.

I made a friend on the last cruise whom I've breifly talked about before and this friend, well I like him to be honest and I was hoping that we would remain good friends at the very least. This guy said he would call... and I really didn't trust he would... I mean I was hopin for a fb friendship (which can be lovely as we all know) and if I ever went to his home country some one to hook a sister up with where to go and I dunno a translator? I wasn't hopin for much as he's on the boat until... September I think? Well bless my soul when he actually called me! This had never happened before to me! A guy actually coming through to call for some lame conversation cus I was in shock that he actually called? He said he would call again... and he hasn't. This unfortunately leads me into thinking about trust.

I spoke with my friend Kate about this whole mess and she said that I was possibly scared by life... and its so true. I don't believe my friends will ever call me, or ask me to visit them, or send me mail, invite me to their weddings, or anything else for the matter. Every relationship is a fight for me to maintian because I feel that I need to push it through.. to keep it going because no one will ever think to reach out to me... I must reach out to you if I want to keep you as my friend. And I am so sure that people don't think about me in that way... I'm horrible at saying "Please call me! Out of the blue or planned! Ask me to come and see you! I'll come 80% of the time! Let me know the mundane about your life!". I am so scared that people will reject me because I want to know them.

My life right now is so solitary yet not private at all... I want to be able to talk with someone but my voice is silenced because theres no one I feel who has time to listen... theres no one to talk to face to face. I don't know if I can trust my friends not to forget about me. I can't even believe a guy when he says he'll call.

This is the honest truth of my life... the fear that I carry around with daily. I have no clue why I hav it and I am too shy to do anything about it... except to write this blog about it. I know Jesus will take care of it... but maybe this is something that I am not ready to let go of yet. Or I just can't do it yet... I'm not sure on that one.

Thankful 2012

Little known fact... My new Years Eve was pretty lame. Yes I was on a cruise, yes it was a vacation, and yes I was with my family. But heres the thing... my family likes to go to sleep early even on vacation and to be honest I'm pretty shy. I'm not one to go around flaunting my emotions or even telling people how I feel about them... sigh that doesn't always go well. So here I was sitting in the back of the Vista lounge with who knows how many other people and that silly deputy cruise director says to get up and hold hands with the people around you (yeah uh yeah that didn't happen with me), so I get up and go lean against a column and the count down commences... as we hit one all I can think of is... Thank you Jesus.

How often do we thank God, our family, our friends, the cashier, or anyone else who we interact with on a daily basis? And how often do we really mean it or is it just something we say without a thought. 2011 was a hard year, there is no way around it, but it gave me so much to be thankful for and I didn't really grasp it. 2012 is my year to be thankful, to really embrace it whether its good, bad, or ugly. I am thankful for my family, all of my wonderful friends, the places I've been, for Jesus walking with me, and for everything God has given me.

2012 will not be an easy year... its gonna be frustrating and hard, there will be twists and turns, peaks and valleys. And honestly if I hear one more time that I should join the Air Force I may just scream. I already miss traveling and I always miss my friends. I know I won't get everything that I want but I'll get everything I need. Maybe this year I need to push a little more, be more vocal with what I would like to see happen but through it all I want to thank Jesus for what he has, what he does, and what He will give me through this crazy year.

Reality Check

This week marks the one year anniversary of my attending Rio Vida. As I look back at this past year I see all the crazy adventures, the friends I've made, and the growth that has happened... I also see my regression back into pre-Bible school attitudes. Its hard being so far away from people you care about. The closest person who attended school with me is near Portland OR, my closest friend is 2 hours away. I have a wonderful gospel community but even they are a 30 min drive away. Its hard being in reality. No matter what I do or how we commincate nothing beats just calling up someone and being able to meet them 10 minutes later. Now its back to the grind of finding another job, figuring out grad school possibly, moving houses (we need to move due to my moms illness), and navigating being 26. I honestly don't see myself being able to leave Lompoc any time soon due to financial reasons... which is fine. I don't particularly care for Lompoc (sorry its pretty boring here) but its better than some places I could be. At least I have a job I like and at least I have a computer in which to communicate with my friends, and the freedom to choose a church and a community that cares for me.

This year I chose a word to symbolize what I want to be or do this year... I chose thankful. I'm sure I'll expand upon this later but I thought I would share it now so you all would know and keep me accountable. We so often let the things we want and don't recieve outway the blessings that we have. I want to keep positive this year and not focus on what I don't have but what I do.

20 seconds of courage

so I have something to admit.... even though I am all about it.... love scares me flat out. I guess its being in love thats scary. I do love my friends and my family but to go deeper with just one person.... how do people do that on the daily? I never really realized that this scares me until recently... actually its been all within the past 2 weeks.

I realized on this past trip that I really do put up a wall when I start liking a guy... I just automaticly assume that they just wanna be friends and thats it... Oh I've had crushes but I've been a "realist" and decided that its just that a crush and nothing more... call it lust. So when I finally got that through my thick head I started to pray... And I asked God to just take it over, for me not to worry about it. and He did... and then I figured I should really stop caring what other people might think... I mean I wasn't going around throwing rose petels tellin every guy you're hot but I decided to sit where I wanted to sit and just to sit, read, or knit you get the pictures... just do my normal thing... and well something may have happened. Nothing crazy guys but yeah something happened.

Now I will be the first to tell you that abbout 90% of the time I have no clue whats going on in guys heads... if you were talkin about boys... well I get your average elementary school boy but men... forget about it. but this guy well even in my dim love life even I can get the signs that just maybe something is going through his brain thats something similar to mines... definate want to get to know each other better...

Kids I have no clue what has gotten into me... I am scared, my brain is going in over drive... I'm acting like a love sick middle schooler. And the worst thing is that this is a totally different emotion than I have ever felt before... and its because Jesus changed my heart. But for the most part I'm scared... Yes I know I really should post on his facebook and actually read what he posts on my fb with some sense of maturity (and this doesn't mean I should be asking my friends to do it for me)... and some time along the way I should tell him that I actually enjoy talking to him and that I hope we continue to do so for a very long time... and that he can call whenever his crazy schedule lets him (even if its 3am... I get too much sleep anyways).

I recently saw a movie that the main character told his brother that 20 seconds of courage and can totally change your life... maybe its time for my courage to get that 20 second of courage... to life up something to God and pray it all goes right in the end.

oh those arts are for an expirment I'm doing... mayhap valentines?

what a start!

whew well hello 2012!

Amazingly enough I was traveling over the holidays but now with nary a trip in sight I'm going to hopefully start doing more in my community and focusing on the people here than spending all my energy going. I mean I am going to Canada sometime this year... and I have a wedding to go to in March.... oh you know small little things. I should be worried about getting a different job so I can earn money for you know school (yay for credentials) but it'll get there.

You know cruising has always given me time to think things through... I think it has something to do with not having important to get to. Over this past 3 months I have spent over 5 weeks on a ship and well a lot of thought has taken place. I've realized so much more about myself and my relationship with Jesus. I've also surrendered a lot of my worries and cares to Him and you know what.... God has made so many changes in my life in these past few month it is so crazy. I am just amazed at has taken place within my own thought process and how I've changed my outlook on things. I have made some great new friends and been to some really cool places and even gotten to expierence a journey that I thought I would only make once. Things have really fallen into place for me and I cannot thank Jesus enough for taking this really crazy time and putting myself at ease with it all.




This past cruise was to Hawai'i. It was nice to have a change of the normal cruise daily life and have it peppered with Hawaiian culutral influences. I got a ukelele for Christmas and I'm hoping that I keep on practicing it and getting better at it. Maybe I'll become a famous uke player someday. That'll pay off the college loan bills wouldn't it? I met some really great people, crew natuarally, on this ship. They truly made the expierence better for me. I'm sorry to sound pompous but after all the cruises I've been on you know that being friends with the crew after you've gone is hard to do mainly because of the whole I'm on a boat and you're not. I do miss all the poeple I've met on these past voyages and I'm still in contact with some of them... I actually think that Danijel, a friend from the Panama trip, contracts ends within the week and he'll be headed back home to Serbia and Leydi from Peru is already home so we'v been able to chat a few times already. And from this last trip I'v e already gotten a call from the middle of the Pacific... which is so crazy and great/epic. I can't tell you how great it was to hear from this crew member and while I would be stolked if any of my crew member pals called me from anywhere this particular crew member was I can't even tell you how EPIC it was to hear his voice. I couldn't stop giggling... hopefully next time I'll be better composed.

I just got back from Santa Cruz yesterday and was able to go to church today. So thus far 2012 has been a great year filled with friends and laughter. I keep on saying this over and over but I have no idea what 2012 will bring me but if its anything like this past week has been it'll be filled with love and laughter.

2012... bring it.

Tick Tock

I wrote this entry on my phone while I was heading to get on yet another ship. I hope you get it.

I just looked at my watch and realized that 49 weeks ago I had finished my first week of bible school. For me rio vida is the changing point. It's either before or after my time there.

This year has not been easy. It's been on of the harder ones of my life. I've felt isolated rejected unloved and unwanted. Anger has reared it's ugly head and defeated has played its own little part. But I can truly say that Jesus has truly made my life bearable. He has been with me throught it all, made the obvious difference in my day. He has given me great and loving friends and love. I know that even if I feel like I am the only one in the world I'm not really, Jesus is here with me.

I have no clue what 2012 will bring. I have no plans for it… just things I'm considering at this moment. Like getting credentialed or tefl or even moving out. Maybe I'll do more traveling scratch that I know I'm doing that (sc first weekend in the year, Canada in the spring!). Life will go on for me. I'll go to some weddings, birthday parties, probably have some crazy adventures and it all won't be great but I will do it all serving God and loving on the people around me. This year will be about loving you. I am going to be better about that.

So as the year changes I hope that this year will be be great because you are loved.

You know you are.