Does it ever suddenly hit you that your life isn't going the way you wanted it to? Thats things you thought you wanted to do you weren't able to or just didn't do? Thats where I'm stuck right now. My life just isn't going to what I wanted. Being a Christian this falls under the "This is what God wants for me" Catagory. I've spent a lot of time angry and frustrated with God these past few weeks. I'm at a place I didn't really want to be at doing a job that I didn't really want, living in a house with way too many people. My thoughts often turn to my job this summer and how much better it was living in a tipi with no running water and electricity. My life isn't going where I want it to go right now.
This has happened before... I didn't want to go to camp this summer but I did. And it was awesome. God showed me a lot and I learned a lot about myself. I still don't really know why God put me in that place for just one summer but I'm feel confident that someday He'll show me.
People have asked me "How does it feel to be graduated?" "How was this summer?" and I always come to a loss of words. I really don't know. I haven't had any down time since well.... last December I think. Thinking through things hasn't been on my priority list. I've just been too busy. It doesn't feel like I'm out of school. I'm still in the area.... working at the same place I have been since I've been in Santa Cruz. It just feels like life always has been.And I really struggle with that. I feel like I'm too much in a box and I'm not expanding my boundries like I've always wanted too. My life has become way to comfertable. Going to Washington was good for me. I expanded, took less showers, worked a job I don't know if I ever want again, and meet some awesome kids. Honestly those kids are gonna make this world a better place. I can feel it in my bones. I'm honored to have spent a summer making sure they didn't kill themselves and being allowed into thier lives.
So now I'm back in California. All the plans I made for the next year have been squashed. I got offered a job 2 days after my return from Washington and I took it even though I had reservations about it. I knew God wanted me there, even though I didn't want to be here. I know that by following God that something good must come from it. I bet my mother is hoping for a husband for me... gosh. I'm really over that already and its only just begun. I don't know where I'll be next year or even what I'll be doing. I don't know if I'll make plans or even srtive to do anything other than try to live from day to day. Right now I'm only hoping that God provides a hot plate for my kitchen soon so I can get away from fast food and dining halls.